"On Being a Man"

This was posted at my work, and I loved it, and thought I'd share it with you. Its kind of long but he has some great thoughts.  It really made me think deeply about my own thoughts, emotions, and heart:

Just like there is no "REAL LIFE 101" or "BEING HAPPY 101" in university coursework, there is no "BEING A MAN 101"; we learn as we go. We are taught many things as factual when so many are just what worked for our role models. It is up to us to find what works for us.

Who are our role models? Our fathers, teachers and coaches, friends, co-workers, bosses, TV and movie actors? I have met quite a few men who have inspired me and motivated me to reach beyond the ordinary. But I have also been disappointed by some that have gotten bogged down in satisfying someone else's expectations.

I think a man, foremost, is a warrior. Not in the common interpretation and not in the aggressive self-assertion that so people mistake for confidence. The warrior fights the battles within. That is where wars need to be fought.

Most external fights are merely a distraction, a diversion from fighting the necessary battles within. Most aggressive self-assertion is projection of inner fear, projections of limiting beliefs that there is not enough for everyone. It is easier to blame others for our rage than to realize that we have the power over our perceptions, over our thoughts, over the fears that come from no other place but within.

So what does the warrior battle?

He questions beliefs to find what is truth for himself. He battles the stray negative thoughts that run across the field of his mind.

I'm talking about the self-defeating "what-if" fantasies. This is usually accompanied by those nasty words, "would", "should" and "could." Thoughts can create emotions, emotions can create thoughts. Fear is a thought that quickly manifests itself as an emotion.

The “What-if / second guessing” cycle is so destructive because it takes the thoughts and emotions spiraling down into a deepening black-hole.

What is the most peaceful, soul-joyous moment you have ever had? I bet it was one where some experience had shutdown your thoughts to almost non-existence, and you felt the joy of experiencing the moment.

Humans, like other animals, are instinctive creatures. The difference is that many human parents and society do their best to discourage the development of instinct and instead teach a bunch of rules which seem to make sense for a while, and then leave us in turmoil when we discover these rules don’t fit us as growing adults.

And the tragic part is to watch grown adults cling vehemently to beliefs that they know in their own hearts don’t fit them. I know because I have done this before.

The even greater tragedy is when men cling so strongly to these beliefs that do not match natural laws, and man attempts to alter nature because his ego can rationalize the need to destroy life rather than face the truth of a mistaken belief. Just look at all the evil and bloodshed that has stained history, performed in the name of God.

The intellect is so seductive because our egos are so tightly linked to the intellect. Ego is the opposite of spirit. Ego is control, spirit is surrender to the flow of universal intelligence, like the "collective consciousness" Carl Jung spoke of. Youth is about mastering what we can control, maturity is about surrendering to what is truly powerful and allowing divine right action to create in our lives. We are all here on this planet to learn and grow - grow up to the innocence we once had as a child.

The intellect is seductive because being reasonable is such a high value. Now I was fortunate that I have the gift to use both halves of the brain with significant energy and we can all develop this. This has given me the perception to go into one half and look at the other. When I look from the creative half at the intellect, I see a machine that emulates the creative process, tries to give birth by bearing down with force of will.

This process is restricted to the 10% of the brain that science speaks of. The creative part knows to open up to the flow that is all around us and allow ourselves to be enchanted with our connection to all things. Good musicians know that the best performance happens when we stop thinking and let the creativity flow through us.

There is no UNDO function, but we can decide if our failures feed success or just repeat again and again. I know I've had my share of garbage dumped on my brain's hard drive, our job is to find it, delete it, replace it with quality. Quality in, quality out, garbage in, garbage out.

So how do we know the difference between truth and garbage data stuffed on the brain's hard disk?

It's the heart that knows, the instincts, the gut feelings, the truth we hear in our moments of silence. A predominate message of this "techno" age is that intellect is king, answer to all problems. But this is one piece of the puzzle and the vacuum created by not developingn our intuitive skills leaves people devoid of their own truth, waiting for the next guru to show them the way.

When we fully develop - develop mind and spirit, intellect and intuition - we figure out that our access to truth was there all the time and is accessed when we trust our access to the truth. Trust our heart, our gut, our instincts. Trusting your heart is scary, especially when "friends" around you tell you that it is foolish to do so. Following your heart is scary especially when you have been hurt before, and hurt severely.

But on every instance that I have been hurt, I look back remember when a little whisper spoke to me from in my heart and said "watch what's happening here", and I didn't listen. The lesson is being in touch, sharp to hear that voice, raising our awareness when we hear the voice. And the voice stops when we stop trusting it. Like so many things in life, use it or lose it.

And the only way to show you trust it is to get up out of the dirt and saddle up again. Life is beautiful, Life hurts, everybody's childhoods were difficult, everybody's life has its own unique challenges, we need to be careful not to build castle walls that also keep out our ability to feel joy and pleasure. I want the good stuff, and I'll take the pain along with it if that's what it takes!

So what is the warrior's job? The vigilance to monitor our thoughts, shut down the noise to reach our peaceful inner truth, and the courage to follow our hearts. This is the butt that needs kicking.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil

is that good men do nothing.

~ Edmund Burke, Irish orator, philosopher, & politician ~

by David Stanley Bell.

http://www.davidstanleybell.com/articles/on-being-a-man.htm

Stupid Flu Shot....

So I am here at work at the hospital, just sitting on a watch that is asleep.  This lady usually is running all over the place but she's not feeling well today so I'm blogging.

Let's back this train up to yesterday.  I get this text from my friend who works with me, who happens to be working on another unit.  I ask him which unit he is on, and he tells me and says, "....Everybody is sick and puking and pooping everywhere.  I'm super excited to be at work today." Oh, sucks to be you!  It was so bad that they quarantined the whole unit, had all the techs wear gloves and masks, sent doctors down and had everyone on IV's, literally everyone but like 5 people got sick.  Thats a ton of people. Puking and nausea are the WORST things to me.  I would rather be giving birth, or on my death bed, than feeling like that and throwing up.  UGH!  So I at this point am very grateful I'm on Children's unit.

Well so of course today I am praying so hard that I do not get sent to the puking unit.  Obviously I did not pray hard enough.....cause HERE I AM!! and breathing your own breath all day in a mask is NOT fun.....is the truth....oh please pray I dont catch this awful thing!!  lol....

If he doesn't like you....

I decided if a guy tells me he isn't interested in me, I am just going to assume it is because he is not interested in girls in general.

That helps a little bit.  You should try it. ;)  

When I was Little...

When I was little, I used to think:

1.  I want to be a professional dancer, like those ballerinas in the Nutcracker.

2.  I want to date every single man in the whole wide world so I can pick out just the right one for me.  (ugh..why???)

3.  I want to live in the Temple so that I would never ever have to be tempted--I could be happy and perfect all the time. What a better place to live, it would be like being in Heaven all the time.

4.  My dad is the tallest guy in the world, and the strongest, and would protect me from anything.

5.  My mom can make anything all better. Anything!  

6.  The song "Butterfly Kisses" made me cry because it would mean my dad would be sad cause he had to give me away.

7.  Snails were fun to play with, and sweet creatures that no one should destroy because they were nice and never hurt anyone and they were pretty and they did cool things with their antennaes--just because they are slow doesn't mean they should be killed.

8.  ..that if I believed in something so strongly, then everyone else would believe in it, too. 

9.  ...that I was the coolest kid in school..until I got to first grade.  ha

10.  that Santa was real, and that he wrote me letters every Christmastime, and that he read my Naughty and Nice list every year, and that the reindeers came and ate up all the carrots we left them.  (haha thanks Dad)

11.  That my grandma was an angel.

12. That when other kids were mean to me, I could just go off and be on my own and it didn't matter because I didn't need any friends anyways. So I played with the snails.  haha  

13.  That there was a perfect plan for each one of us and that when you grew up everything turned out just right and everyone was happy all the time because they were a grown up.  

Now, well, I've had enough dating of even a very small percentage of one little town in the state of Utah in the United States to last a lifetime...

Now sometimes my shining eyes are a little bit dulled by experiences that may have bittered them a little...

Now sometimes I dont even know what I want to be when I "grow up"

...Yet now I appreciate my imperfect parents even more, now I realize that things really DO come out for the best in the long run if we keep holding onto those glimmers of light that come and go, I actually DO get to live in the temple for about 5 hours a week plus :) , my grandma really is an angel sent to earth.  And no, one of my parents does NOT believe everything I believe in, in fact, I can't even talk to him about it, but that just goes along with respecting and learning to love others.  And speaking of others, I'm learning just how grateful I am that I am not alone, that I do have family and friends I can depend on, and how much we all need that. 

Why do we let our grown-up negative experiences dull our ability to recognize all the good stuff that is really happening to us?  

I got to hear President Henry B. Eyering (First Presidency for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) speak this past Sunday, and it felt like he was talking to me. In fact, he looked at me a few times, and at one point we both started to tear up at the same time-while he was looking at me-it was really touching.  But he basically left us his blessing, stating he felt it was really truly from the Lord, that if we keep on being faithful, that those things, any of those eternally important things, that are promised to us will in fact come, maybe not when we expect it, but that they will, because God doesn't break His promises.  He left us with a blessing of that "peace that passeth all understanding, as long as you open your eyes and see those glimmers of light."  

Oh man Im just tearing up thinking about it, but what a blessing this life is, and I am so grateful for living Apostles and Prophets who testify of Christ, who remind us of why we are here, and who help us to keep at it and not forget Him.  

Love this!

Thanks Portia for sharing this!

Snowboarding: CHECK!

One more item completed from my To-Do List Before Leaving Utah!  

And it was SOOO FUN!! I am so hooked.  It hurt, and actually after a whole week my tailbone is still in pain if I sit down for a long time. Ha!  (Not broken, dont worry, just a little bit overused haha)

Oh my gosh, I have NEVER FALLEN SO MUCH in my life! Yet I have never had so much fun doing it!  HA I seriously laughed almost every time!!!  Well, Until I got myself into a foot of powder into some grove of trees...now, imagine this:  

Your feet are about hip width apart, strapped to this board that is almost as tall as you are.  (well, about 8 inches shorter than you)  You don't know how to control this thing yet, and the only way you can learn is by just doing it.  So you get on, and you expect it to move down the mountain.  You have to wiggle a little bit to get it going, and then it just makes sense by the law of physics to point the board down.  Right?  Like going down a slide.  But you know, snow actually gets you moving pretty fast.  So pretty soon you are careening down, forward, and whichever way the front of the board is pointing, and sometimes it points every which way, cause it takes some skill to make it point where you want it to point while you are careening down a mountain at about 30 mph.  And then before you know it, you get scared at your speed and you put your hands out to stop you and lean forward, and then you land on your stomach and your legs naturally continue to whip forward, until they reach your back, or your head, or whatever is in front of them.  (Good thing I used to be a dancer haha!) 

and then at some point you end up on this trail you probably shouldn't be on, and its like a mile wide but of course you slide uncontrollably to the far right and sail into a grove of trees with about a foot of fresh powder in the midst.  Haha, oh man how are you gonna get out of this one?  Well, your feet are strapped to some board (which, might I add, as a newbie, its really hard to unstrap and restrap those things, so you keep the board on...but you can't just get up and walk out of the trees, because of the board, so you sit on your bottom and scoot yourself forward inch by inch with your legs and arms.  And when that gets tiring, you get on your hands and knees and move forward--kind of like a dog with its hind legs tied together.  

OH BUT IT WAS SO FUN!! PLEASE LETS DO IT AGAIN!!

Congrats Camille!!

Guess what, Camille?? YOU WON!!! Fair and square, I drew your name out of the cup! Perfect!  Camille is about to get married, you guys, so this is PERFECT!! I am so happy, and congrats to you!

Free Giveaway!!

So guess what?  How many of you have already started your Christmas shopping?  Or perhaps you are about to get married and need some extra cash and/or stuff?  Well, lucky for you, there aren't a ton of readers on this website, because that means you have a greater opportunity to win a free GIVEAWAY for $35 to any of CSN's stores.  They have 200+ online stores selling products of all shapes and sizes, like leather messenger bags and a wide variety of just about anything you can think of.  So if you are poor like me, $35 is a lot of money, especially if its going towards one purchase.

Maybe I'm a weirdo but I kind of liked this one:

And this would be perfect for Italy..I dont know why I love the hard luggage so much.....am I the only one?  They have other stuff too.  

CSN stores also sells furniture, cookware, bed and bath, home improvement, rugs, toys, etc.  

So what do you have to do to win?  Just write a comment by December 15th and let me know you want in, and I will put your name in for a drawing....and I will let you know soon!

(Ps this really is Shayna, I haven't been taken over by some random company trying to sell their stuff on my site.)

Merry Christmas! 

I Love to See the Temple, I Went There Saturday!

What a handsome ward I have ;) 

My roommate Kleresa. I just love this girl, she's such a sweet, humble soul.  And she just got released from being the RS President for about a year and a half, and she was great at it! I can't believe I was trying to give her advice when she first got put in--just goes to show, she's much humbler than me, as she turned the RS around a ton because she followed inspiration, not what her friends were trying to say! 

An island of calm in the middle of the bustling, crazy crowds! It reminds you of what the season is really about.

And then instead of ending up at the Pie with everyone else, we drove to South Jordan and found a Panda Express, because the Pie was so freakin busy, and by this time of night we were all frazzled and irritated at life, and needed a little bit of food to make us happy again.  What a stressful night.....remember, if you are in Salt Lake, especially on a Saturday night, prepare to look forever to find a parking spot!

Oh well, we had some really special experiences watching the Joseph Smith movie and seeing the lights, sigh....next time...the Pie WILL be eaten at before I leave Utah.  

This is a terrifying commentary on Provo...oh dear....

December is Here!

.....and I have been a failure at blogging!

Thanksgiving I spent with my roommates' family, which is almost like my second family.  After work, I exercised, jumped in the shower, and raced over to the Miller Thanksgiving.  I made a Spice Cake* the night before, and brought it nice and cold to the feast!  (Note, this is a really, really bad idea because I cannot stop eating that cake when I make it...oh my gosh holy cow.)  At work, they provided some really, really good food for FREE to all the employees that had to work that day.  I was very grateful for it, and by the time I got to the Millers I was still full haha.....oh boy, at least I didn't have to sleep on a too-full stomach!  I am grateful for good friends that let me join in on their family holiday.  Thanks Millers!

And then comes Christmastime to prepare for!  I've been working like crazy on Christmas presents, I am so excited because my family doesn't know what I am doing, and I can be sneaky about it since I am completely in another state!   Plus I have another couple of weeks to work since I won't be going home until January 1st.  

And speaking of flying on a plane to go home, I found out from a work acquaintance today that his wife works for Delta and she can get me free airline tickets to anywhere in the world.  Hello!!!  I don't want to push it, but I am thinking Hawaii at least!  Maybe I'll ask about Italy, but really, that seems like a really big thing to ask so I might chicken out of asking about that one....As of now, I have a few friends that want to come with me to Hawaii and THAT has ALSO been a lifelong dream of mine, so I figure, if he can get all of them in for free, then I can seriously be grateful for that and not ask for Italy too! Oh no, what oh what should I do, I really really really could use a free ticket to Italy.....!!

And can I say I just love my dinner group?  Last night, we started dinner at 7:15 and for some reason we were all still sitting at the dinner table until 9:00, just talking.  I love it, and I am grateful for friends and food, and how just this simple little dinner group has brought so many people together.  

I am totally going to have family dinners each night! That is, when I am not sitting on my computer alone blogging because I actually HAVE a family haha

*Spice Cake*

1) Sift together in a large bowl: 2 ½ cups flour and 2 cups sugar.

2) Mix in sauce pan: 2 sticks of butter and 1 cup water. Bring to a rapid boil. Pour over sugar and flour mixture while boiling hot. Blend together well.

3) Add ½ cup buttermilk ( ½ cup milk + 1 ½ tsp vinegar if you don’t have buttermilk), 2 eggs slightly beaten, ½ tsp baking soda, 1 tsp vanilla, 1 tsp cinnamon and a pinch of salt. Mix well. 

4) Pour into greased sheet cake pan and put into oven at 400 degrees for 20 min (or less if using a crappy oven lol).

5) Make Cream Cheese Frosting and spread over cake once cooled. 
Frosting:
Blend together: 4 ½ oz cream cheese, 4 Tbsp butter, 2 ¼ cup powdered sugar, and 1 tsp vanilla

Isn't this weird?

United States 1,994 Ukraine 54 South Korea 35 United Kingdom 31 Canada 26 Brazil 23 Germany 19 Lebanon 12 Denmark 11 Malta 9

I guess this is another sign that I am meant to travel the world...where on earth, and how on earth did I meet you people looking at my blog? I would LOVE to meet you!  Oh well, its awesome. Feel free to leave comments if you come by so I can know who you are! :)

The Holidays are Here!

I am starting to get excited for Christmas.  Though its hard to not be a little bit depressed because my job won't let me go home for ANY of the holidays--Thanksgiving, Christmas, OR New Years. I've NEVER missed Christmas with my family, no matter how poor I was.  Sigh...so it is going to be a tough year I think. Not to mention I'm a pretty quiet person so its not easy for me to just bounce over to someone's apartment and make myself comfortable. haha...I always, always wished I was one of those kinds of people, and grateful to my friends who are a little bit more outgoing than me!

But I AM going home in January, which I am grateful for.  And I guess instead of getting home in a stressful state, I will have already passed all the holidays, so my dad won't be stressing out about the tree, my mom won't be worried about me being there on Christmas morning (she will probably be crying instead..aww), and maybe they will have more time to shop for me, and they will feel sorry for me because I had to spend the holidays alone, so they will get me more presents!  HA just kidding! ;)

Maybe if I wasn't sitting here staring at our Christmas tree, watching the closing balcony scene of "Letters to Juliet", with my roommate and her fiancee sitting here snuggling on the couch, I wouldn't feel a little bit sentimental.  But maybe it's good to stop and think about why I've been a little down lately, and to think about the blessings that I DO have.  Like working on Children's two days in a row. I love those kids, crazy as they are.  No pun intended. haha.....and I really love my family a lot, and even if I'm not there, at least I know they are all there together and that they will be there when I come to visit!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I'm Turning Into an Old Lady!!!

Its official, minus the wrinkles and grey hair (I hope...), I have become an old lady! What did I do, Saturday Night, you ask??  Well, what were YOU doing?  Probably going to a party with some friends, or drinking sparkling apple cider, or on a hot date....

But this is what I did....

I learned to do it at work, and I am so excited! HA!

Speaking of, when I was about to be relieved by the new shift at work (yah, relieved, after me and the entire staff on the unit were all sitting there crocheting..for hours...) the new shift comes in, and they were like, "Oh, that color is so nice! I just bought a scane at so-and-so place, where did you get that?" and then this guy who had just come in saw another coworker's work, and said, "Oh, that hot pink and purple complement each other so nicely! Oh I just love it! And oh that color blue is sooo pretty, it looks so good!"

...so weird.

And it all began with THIS little device....you all should get one one day! you can make great little hats out of it!

Anyways thats about it for the day!  

A Rainy Day in Provotown

On this rainy day in Provo (which happened to happen because I washed my car on Saturday), I sit in front of my computer pondering on what to blog about since I haven't blogged for quite some time.  My roommate is in our vanity curling her hair and preparing for her dance test, and I am enjoying my day off.  Speaking of days off, the best way to start a day, I've concluded, is by watching a horror movie.  Then you can laugh about it all day and you won't go to sleep at night dreaming of dead gypsy ladies that vomit flies and worms, repeatedly, directly into your mouth. Not to mention aerosol nose bleeds...

Anyway, I digress. I got into a good discussion with a fellow employee the other day.  He served his mission in Hawaii and was talking about the warmth and familial feel of their culture, and gave an example of a time he was stranded, lost, and knocked on a random person's door.  This person welcomed him in with open arms and presented him food and water and a ride, and he said that ANY native would have done it.  In fact, they would be ashamed not too.  We then got to talking about the culture here in Provo, and the feeling of everyone being pitted against each other in one way or another.  Take, for example, girls.  Girls are already naturally competitive with each other, but put them in an environment where they are all competing not only for attention, but for the most IMPORTANT aspect of our religion and culture--MARRIAGE.  What would a girl NOT do to get that man--it goes way beyond hair foofing, skinny jeans, high heels, perfume, and bleached blonde hair. Not to mention huge flowers, "vintage", flat shoes, and tall boots.  Girls will manage survival on a few crackers alone, "No thanks I don't eat doughnuts".  They go running at 6am eight times a week (I'm not even kidding, I see them all over the side of the road in the morning).  They bleach their teeth whiter so when they smile that celestial smile, its a little bit brighter than any other girl. 

 To get a little bit deeper and to the point that I personally think is very unhealthy (besides eating disorders), girls, with extremely good intentions mind you, will try to be spiritually perfect in every way.  Now, I really believe that this isn't a bad thing, especially if their intentions are more than just to catch a man that they think will be impressed  (Which, sadly, I think definitely plays into some of it, but I don't think that is the main reason).  They feel the need to always be happy, because a righteous person is a happy person.  They are afraid to every have a bad day, to ever make a mistake (even though the entire gospel is based on the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which will need to be used regardless-we are never going to make it without it), they look at other women who appear to be perfect and happy and flawless, and then they pit those seeming qualities against themselves, and the downward spiral of self-loathing begins.  Since when did the Lord say that we ALWAYS have to be exciting, happy, bubbly, write like a scrapbooker, curl our hair in ringlets every day, take pictures at every activity (including those ones where you twist your mouth sideways and raise your eyebrows--you know what I mean, facebookers), never ever miss a Relief Society function, read our scriptures for an hour a day every day, attend the temple three times a week...you get my drift.  

I loved the fireside on Sunday with Elder Ballard.  He reminded us to keep the gospel SIMPLE.  Simple.  That's right.  I am perfectly content, exceedingly more content and happy with life, when I remember the basics and stop trying to compete with everyone around me.  No, I don't own a pair of skinny jeans.  No, I didn't make straight A's at BYU.  And Yes, I do know that about 75% of our Relief Society struggles with problems of anxiety and depression--and that is pretty typical of Utah, which has one of the highest rates of documented depression in the United States.  Yes, the Gospel is true, and by abiding by its precepts and doctrines you will be happy--but you will be TRULY happy with life if you keep your focus on the simple things, the core of the gospel.
Besides, I don't WANT to be exciting to be accepted, that takes too much work.  I want to be boring, librarian-ish, observant, and as a result, more apt to care about others on a deeper level. I'm almost 27, and rebelling against the rebellious years.  You don't have to be perfect for me, I like you regardless.  Even more-so.   And I pray I don't have to be perfect for you. Love me anyways. (and for the record, the only reason I don't have skinny jeans is because I don't want to pay for them...boots, on the other hand..well...)

My Life at the Utah State Hospital...

On one of many watches....and that is a patient bed.  They are bolted to the floor and equipped with holes in the sides to hook restraints to, if needed.  Don't worry, they do get a mattress...its basically a dense piece of foam covered in vinyl.  They are pretty sturdy, dont worry. :) 

Ha!  One of the girls painted my fingers....I think she was intending to make them look as crazy as possible....

Sometimes it gets a little bit boring and you have to do whatever necessary to stay awake....haha

And sometimes this just happens!!

Low speed limits for safety, you never know what patients are going to do!

Sometimes we get to go on fun field trips!  This was from the Colonial Days thing in downtown Provo.  Pretty cool!

I just loved this saying from the minute I saw it.  It's liberating to the patients, and really to all of us, to realize that we are who we are, and if we can just accept it and rejoice in it, the whole world belongs to us. :)  

Well, I don't take many pictures at work, because obviously I can't due to patient privacy...but maybe I'll try to get some more and show ya!  (anything legal, that is ha)

To Do in the Next Few Years....

Alright!  To Do:

*Get RN degree

*Get a PhD in Family Studies/Family Therapy

*Become a virtuoso clarinetist--one of those people who, when people listen, they get sucked in and say "oh my gosh..oh my freakin gosh...that was freakin AMAZING!"

*Travel all over the world

*Make a lot of money so I CAN travel all over the world...

*Get a Master's degree...

*Learn Italian

*Learn Spanish

*Um...find my future man and have a family

*Be the most amazing mom ever....not comparatively, just, most amazing to my husband and kids and to the Lord

*Build a wonderful family life

*Be healthy, eat lots of vegetables and fruits and whole grains and salmon..yum

*save up to move home to California in April

*Keep up with all of my family members and their lives and be a good influence and a good sister and a good cousin and a good niece and good granddaughter and good daughter.....

*Get a motorcycle license

*Get a new car

*Always be reading a good book

Sometimes I wonder how I am going to get all this done in the next few years.....

Life is so short, so very short, and I think sometimes about all the things I want to DO with my life, and it gets a little bit overwhelming, because I have all these desires, and while I am alive and here living, I want to experience so many things, learn everything there is to learn, and then when I am trying to learn something and it doesn't come quickly, I get discouraged--either that, or I get mediocre at that one thing I'm trying to learn, and then move on to something else instead of cultivating that one thing.  Do you ever do that?  And then I get impatient, thinking, Well, I have so much I want to do, I need to move on to the next thing!  What has happened to my stick-to-it-ness, like I had in my youth?  I used to spend all my time cultivating talents, learning, doing homework, etc., and then when I become an adult, I realize how imbalanced my life was as a child, and I try to do lots MORE things......and yet, I lack that characteristic that enabled me to break things down more and more and focus and develop, and then develop more in that one groove of life, and enjoy the depth and breadth of that particular groove.  

I mean, think about it.  I graduated TWO years ago.  TWO!  And what have I done since?  Well.....lets see..I worked as a custodian...I dated one guy....wait, one and a half.....I worked as a waitress.....I DID take the GRE at least.....Where did time go?  And when I start raising a family, will I even have the time to keep on learning and experiencing life?  

Oh my gosh...maybe I've hit the wild years of my life!  I'm a self-centered, non-committal, young single adult who is sowing my wild oats!!!  GASPPP!!!!!  AND LIFE WILL END IF I HAVE A FAMILY!!!!  (just kidding....? sort of?? oh NO!!!) Maybe I'm scared of that!  Maybe, just maybe, I have this awful deep-down idea that having a family will suck my very life away...and that I will become boring and dull and always stuck in a rut and get frumpy and grumpy and my husband will just despise me after ten years.......OH NOOO!!!

Do you ever feel like that?  Maybe I just have my priorities out of whack....lol

Just a thought for the day :)  

Music and Hauntings....

Well, more like I GOT MY CLARINET AND IM SO EXCITED!!!!...and we had our Ward Halloween Party, which was surprisingly really, really fun, very well planned, and everyone that came had a very creative costume!  I'm not even exaggerating.  

Thats me on the left...that wig is ridiculous (and four bucks from Savers) but just try to guess what I am...and then there's Kleresa in the middle (her mom made that flapper costume...it was really, really cute!  She looks gorgeous!)  and Shantel on the right in the red skirt.  (Can you guess who they are??)  

(caution...some graphic images below!)

(somehow this doesn't surprise me coming from Brett..ha)

It was supposed to be a "date" activity, which I think was a great idea, because we all had our costumes in pairs.  There was little bo beep and her sheep, Sid from Toy Story and a mangled toy, two teddy bears, a pair of angels, two crayons of different colors, two hippies with home made tye-died outfits from head to foot,  an "anti-prohibitionist" and his girl...I could go on!  It was amazing. In order to choose a date, we did not do the traditional "will you go to the dance with me" thing, oh no.  The guys put a tie in a giant bucket, and the Activities Committee went around with the bucket and had the girls pick an anonymous tie.  And that was the young man we paired up with.  Creative! 

The party turned into a huge dance, and we were all squished into the corner of the room dancing our little hearts out. I wished my date enjoyed dancing, but he didn't, and so he just sat on the couch with another guy who didn't like dancing while a bunch of people stood up and played.  I felt kind of bad for leaving him there, sorry Jordan.....I think he was happy to go when I said I had to get up early...

We created graham-cracker houses with neon frosting and candy and graham crackers, we colored spooky-ish halloween pictures, and ate some delicious food...shhh dont tell Carriage Cove.....

Anyway, I hope you all are having a great Halloween and enjoying all the fun.  :)  May you rest in peace tonight...

Fall Colors!

I went on a bikeride through the Provo River Trail today....Sorry Dallen don't kill me...ha...but anyways, here you go!  I wish I would have gone about 3 weeks earlier when the colors were brighter, but they are still gorgeous!  Enjoy! (PS these are totally not tampered with, just straight from the camera!) 

I'm going to miss this about Provo!  :)