I have found myself in a dating conundrum the last few weeks, as I am sure most of you saw from previous posts. This was basically the situation--I started dating this guy, and getting to know him, enjoying his company and such, and then he asks me if I would like to be exclusive after about 5 or 6 dates. I tell him I think its too early to talk about being exclusive, after all, that is a pretty big step and the relationship has to be on pretty dang solid ground for that. He says he will wait for me.
Well, another date goes by, and I soon realize that because he is so READY to be exclusive and I feel like it still pretty early on, and I am getting the feeling that he is losing hope after a week because I wasn't giving him the OK....so I tell him that maybe we just shouldn't go on more dates, as obviously it was causing him a lot of pain to simply be "dating" and not "exclusive/boyfriend/girlfriend" status.
I do not think that I am wrong, honestly, because who ever said that two people have to be exclusive after 5 or 6 dates? And by putting an ultimatum on someone, like "well, I don't know how many more dates I can go on with you without being exclusive", all that happens is a building resentment AND undue pressure. I don't think this whole idea of being exclusive should happen until you are both pretty serious about each other....and I would think that if someone enjoys the other person's company, and if the relationship is a healthy friendship, there shouldn't be that prevalent fear underlying their behaviors that causes them to try to control the situation of the other person by forcing a commitment on them so early on. This is the mindset that is dangerous in Provo, and all it leads to is unbalanced relationships and undue pressures--and then come the Daily Universe articles on what is wrong with guys and/or girls, accompanied by men posting flyers for used engagement rings on the bottom floor of the Wilk.
*(authors note, just to let you know, this guy really is a great, great guy. Otherwise I wouldn't have gone on so many dates with him. Amazing standards, humble, good sense of humor.....So please don't think badly of him. Just had to throw that out there.)
I agree with Elder Oaks in that 'hanging out' is not good, because you don't get to know someone in groups of people. But Elder Oaks never gave a time limit on exclusivity, he merely said that we should be pairing off. Now if it gets to be ridiculous, like going on dates for 6 or 7 months or something without talk of exclusiveness, well that is another story. But I see nothing wrong with 3 or 4 months, especially if you hardly knew the person beforehand.
There, I have said my peace.
Oh dear Shayna.... I semi agree, but don't fall in the footsteps of your old roommate who learned the hard way. Just because you are exclusive doesn't mean you have to marry the guy. If you are dating multiple guys at the same time well your going to confuse yourself. All in all do what makes you feel comfortable.
ReplyDeleteHaha oh thats a good reminder, Ash. Thanks haha :) Well, I think I made the best decision in that situation...he was way way ahead of the game and he got so mad when I wouldn't rush into being exclusive. Not mad, but just very hurt. We weren't even hardly friends before we went on a date. I can definitely see how being exclusive is good when you have known them for a long time. I think maybe we had said Hello a couple of times for the most part beforehand. But yes for the most part you are definitely right. :)
ReplyDeleteI think that most people consider 3-4 dates to be when you should be considered boyfriend/girlfriend. But your right there shouldn't be a set time it should happen when both people are ready. I do feel bad for the guy, sounds like he didn't know you well enough to know that waiting and being patient would be worth it. But who am I to say anything I've never been on more than 1 date with a girl and have taken an very long break from dating.
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