Gratitude for you.

Dear friends and family and acquaintances,

I was just listening to President Monson's talk on Gratitude from General Conference this past October, and thought I would take a minute to express gratitude to those people in my life that make life worth living.  I can't even name everyone because each person in my life makes life worth living.  That is redundantly redundant.....but I'll say to each one of you reading this that I have been touched by your life and example.

First of all, my family.  I have a sister that can make me laugh, and even when she is going through something hard she finds a way to laugh at it.  She sent me a text today that said she peed her pants.  And tomorrow is her 20th birthday.  I know she sent that to me because she knew I would laugh at it.  And I did.  And then I told her how bad I felt for her.  I could go on and on about this hilarious, crazy, yet incredibly soft hearted and loving and nurturing this sister is.  Not to mention each other member of my family--a mother that cares deeply and shows it, a father who told me today that I am his little girl and am perfect in his eyes (ha...right), a brother who is tough and incredibly soft hearted as well, a younger sister who goes for her dreams and keeps her feet planted on the ground..cousins who bring me to my knees in gratitude because despite their acute health problems they still smile every day.  I have such a wonderful family.  Someday, you will see, we will all be sealed together :)

Secondly, friends.  Aw man what would I do without my friends??? What would I do without YOU.  I won't name names, but I have wonderful roommates who include me in their family things because I don't have family out here.  They make our apartment feel like a home.  And they ask how my day was every day.  I have work friends who make work fun and easy to go to every day.  Then I have friends in my ward who reach out and smile and ask me how life is, and they are great listeners and write me nice notes!  ha....Then there are my guy friends who I am so grateful for because they keep me laughing and help me not to take myself too seriously, and yet they can be serious as well and are great listeners and GREAT examples to me.

You guys all know who you are :)  I am so grateful to all the people in my life.  Each one of you. And I know that sounds trite and cliche and not at all individualized, but please know that I did think of you when I wrote this.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for showing love in your simple, day to day acts.  I appreciate each of you!  I don't know why I am so blessed, but I have been, and I just had to express my gratitude for those blessings.

<3, Shayna

So I THINK these pictures are legal.....

So for those of you who don't know, I work at a mental hospital.  It's so interesting, some of the stuff you see, and due to patient privacy we can't tell a lot of the stories that we get from work, nor can people just walk in and see the units and what is on them, because patients are around, and that would be breaching their privacy.  So I got some pictures of what it's like in there and made sure I didn't get any patients or patient information just to keep everything legal. :)   PS my job is so cool...at least I think so! 

A real life padded room....

This is a patient bed, and this particular bed was being used by a patient who needed restraints.

We keep watch of things on the cameras if we aren't able to be in five places at once. Plus its just good to have video recordings in case someone makes accusations.

This is one of the tech desks.  We sit in here and chart, or if the patients are asleep we can sit there and keep a watch of the hallway. 

For some reason the patients get a KICK out of scratching off letters on the signs.  If you can't tell, this used to say "Toilet Room".  You gotta have a sense of humor around here...

View from the outside of the seclusion rooms (aka padded rooms).  We watch the patients through the glass if they are locked in there to make sure they aren't hurting themselves.  They can't see anything through the glass though (its a two-way mirror)

This is one of the hallways on one of the units. So it's not like a "hospital" type place, I mean, it IS, but, they try to make it kind of like a really big home or something.  Even though its as ghetto as ever.  

Anyways, interesting huh!  Peace out, girl scout. I want to post some poems some schizophrenic patients wrote but I am not sure if that's legal.....so...I will forgo that for now....

Ohhh yeah.......

Soo ready for Spring! 

My Week Without Facebook

"I'm not getting on Facebook this week."

"You aren't getting on Facebook ALL WEEK??"

"Yeah.  Wait, isn't that awful that a whole week without Facebook seems like a difficult thing?"

"Hmm....."

(Actual conversation.)

What IS it about this website that has everyone hooked?!  (for me its mostly boredom...) How do YOU know you have a problem with Facebook?  Well, for starters, when you are going throughout your day, and if you catch yourself thinking, "Oooh!  I should change my status to _______, yeah! That would be an awesome status!"  or if you find yourself writing things every twenty minutes. "Curling my hair, gettin ready for my big date!"  "Just bought a pair of skinny jeans! Oh they make me look so fat!"  "Talking to my sister, man I'm lucky to have such a great sister!" "I just slipped on my way down the stairs, stupid snow!"  

Then there's the, "How is so-and-so doing?"  "Oh, I don't know! She hasn't been on facebook for like 3 days!  She must have dropped off the planet!"  "Did you try calling her?"  "Well, no....."

Or perhaps you find yourself stalking that guy from class, or spending hours trying to find him through common friends, so you go through a million webs, and in the process you have added like twenty new people (as well as looked at all their 667 pictures they have posted), because then you can catch up on all the gossip, you can ask so-and-so if he has ever mentioned you, and of course everyone reads everything about YOU cause you are the star of your own Facebook.  And the more comments you get, the more popular you are, the more witty you must be, and the more "invites" end up on your homepage.  

So, what's wrong with all this positive affirmation?  Who DOESN'T like to feel important?  Who DOESN'T want to be in the loop? Well, take a look at yourself from an outside perspective.  Are you actually talking to anyone?  No, you are sitting at your computer, staring at a screen all by yourself (or with a friend right next to you doing the exact same thing, if your apartment or home is anything like mine), having imaginary conversations with pictures of people making goofy, unrealistic faces.  Gone are the vocal inflections, the lulls in conversation, the body language...and pretty soon you are imaging up how you think the person on the other end is responding to your comments, and naturally, you imagine it in your favor.  Take this example:

Girl:  "Hey! Hows it going??"

Boy: (ten minutes later) "Oh, hi. :)"  (translation:  OOHHH!!! HEEEYYYY YOU ARE SOO FINE! (you got that from the smiley face) I was taking my time cause I wanted to keep you waiting, cause i really like you but didn't want to appear too eager, plus you will want me more if you have to wait.")

Now, obviously, you can see how THAT scenario could go dreadfully wrong...But how ELSE is this becoming a danger to our very relationships and interactions?  May I ask you how long you actually spend with people, in person, versus chatting with them on Facebook?  I tell you what, when I went home for a week and didn't see my friends in person, but chatted with them all week on facebook and texts, I felt so awkward seeing them face-to-face and kind of forgot how to just be normal around them.  It was like, "Oh wow, now you see me, live, in person, as I really am.  Are you still going to be my friend, now that you see all my flaws and weaknesses?"  What happens when you are in a committed relationship and you are too scared to be yourself because all this time you have projected some persona via virtual world, aka, make-it-into-what-you-wish-you-were world?

May I ask the last time you felt lonely even when you were "chatting" with someone?  Oh, it happens to me all the time.  There is just ample more realistic fulfillment from face-to-face, nitty-gritty, real-life, get-into-arguments, face lighting up, etc. communication.  We also improve our ability to socialize in real life, thus helping us in marital relationships, gaining and keeping worthwhile employment, etc.   And who doesn't like to see someone cracking up from some joke you told?  Or being comforted from a loving arm around the shoulder?  Or wiping a tear from a child?  Well, I tell you what, you wont HAVE a child to wipe a tear from if you are spending your life on Facebook dreaming of some person that isn't even there...what, are you gonna marry some person that you have mostly been chatting with over a virtual, unrealistic world?  Not me!...and maybe this entire blog post is based on my own experience because these ARE things that I know I struggle with, because I am naturally a very shy person and feel way more comfortable expressing myself in writing, or in other words, NOT face-to-face...because I would probably start shaking, crying, and wanting to throw up if I had to talk about something difficult, or even just being my real self around people because of that fear of unacceptance.  So don't feel like you are being judged ;)  

Anyways, that was my tangent, and that is why I am getting off Facebook this week....and to be honest, I haven't even missed it.  Stalking boys, yes I have missed indeed, but deep inside I know how much torture that actually is. haha, especially since most of the time they don't even know you, but you sure know them.....and thats just plain creepy and sickening......

MY BROTHER CALLED ME!!!

Yeah, ok so my brother called me today!!! You don't even understand HOW that made my DAY!!  I love him a TON.  I mean, he's my little brother! He's been in Afghanistan the past..oh..9 months? I haven't talked to him for a YEAR!! A YEAR!! THAT IS WAY TOO LONG!!

I just thought I would tell the world!!  :)  He almost died a couple times out there....got shot in the FACE...and miraculously his face mask caught a bullet as it hit him...it was stuck in the mask.  Can you believe that?  He also received a medal out there...some kind of honor in a difficult situation...lol sorry I don't know what it was called....but only 83 guys got it out of thousands. I'm so proud of him and know the Lord has a work for him to do.  That is obvious to me because of how protected he has been and because of other experiences I am not going to share on here.

Anyways, MY BROTHER CALLED ME AND HE'S SAFE AND OK!!!  WELCOME HOME RYAN!!!

Another little reminder for Shayna...

Dear world,

I feel like this is turning more into a journal, and I'm not gonna lie, I kind of like that idea.  Anyways, today I went to Institute at my assigned Stake institute on BYU campus.  The teacher was NOT what I expected--she was a lady probably in her 30's (as she spoke about her 20's in past tense...and there is no way she's older than in her 30's.)  She didn't serve a mission (said each time she prayed about it she didn't feel right, even though she wanted to go so badly..BINGO just like me! haha), she wasn't the most beautiful, nor was she super eloquent like a lot of the teachers I have encountered at the UVU institute.  But what was it about her that made me want to keep listening....well, she was open.  She was REAL.  She has flaws, she admits them and says she wants to improve.  She is a busy, single (awesome, again..just cause its so inspiring how great she is), imperfect, and yet incredibly powerful woman who mentioned how she knows what an important role she has in building up the kingdom of God on earth before the 2nd Coming.  Whoaaaaa!

Anyways, I think what made her so great is that I left that classroom realizing how much I have been LACKING the last month or two in trying to become closer to the Lord.  I mean, really, really, closer.  Not just reading scriptures, not just praying, but REALLY coming to KNOW Him, in order to change and to become more like Him, and to accept Him in all aspects of my life.  Isn't that the whole point?? It wasn't that she knew all the significant dates in history or that she had been to the Sacred Grove and was impressing us with her knowledge of how many footsteps so and so took when he walked to a new city to share the gospel, or whatever...ok thats random but you get the point.....she stated at the beginning of class that if we did NOT leave the class wanting to be a better person, with a repentant heart, recognizing and going forth with a new determination to change something in our lives, that she was not an effective teacher, neither were WE effective students in allowing the Spirit to talk to us and to help us to change.  Why is it that we avoid that so often?  Well, I for one get distracted sometimes.  That and I'm afraid of what I am going to feel sometimes, but why?  It always turns out for the best.

I really, really hope this becomes something more important in my life.  I mean, of primal importance, and I am so glad I went to that class, and so glad I realized how imperfect  I am...still have a ways to go and I'm afraid to ask for more recognitions of that..haha just kidding.  Anyways, that was the thought of the day.

Goodnight!
<3 Shayna

To the shy guys...

I was talking to this friend of mine last night, who is a great guy and unfortunately he doesn't really have much luck when it comes to dating.  He says, "Why don't girls just ask guys out, that way at least we know you are interested."

Well, seems like if a guy is interested in a girl, he would ask her out, otherwise, she would assume he is not, and maybe a great girl would slip right through his fingers...or her fingers (a great guy that is)...usually you don't even know how you feel about someone until you pursue a relationship with them.  Just saying....I think there are a ton of great guys out there that sell themselves short and dont go for that girl.  Yes, the louder guys tend to get more attention, but then all the other ones don't get noticed because they are too shy to ask.  How is the girl going to know the guy at all if he doesn't try, especially if he is shy? ha

Besides, in my experience, if a girl does the pursuing the guy just doesn't have interest because she is too forward.  And I for one have been that girl and refuse to do it anymore, because it only results in a lot lot lot of heartache, because for some reason girls just hang on longer.  So if a guy doesn't pursue me, well, I might show interest for awhile but he is definitely NOT going to keep me on the shelf forever and not do anything about it. Most girls feel that way, they will move on to more productive pastures. lol.  So to you shy guys out there, I say just go for it, because you are awesome and have a lot to offer, and I promise if you just try you will find someone, somewhere. haha ...and yes guys say they are dense and dont get the hints, thats why I say just go for it.  And to you who I was talking to, you know who you are! :)  and yes I stayed up an hour past my bedtime cause I liked our conversation. haha GOOD LUCK!! poor guys....

Sweet Sunday Moments....

 Dear world, there were some great things that happened today......

1. (and this one was my favorite...) When a speaker at Church gave a talk on faith, and mentioned in her talk a British equivalent NBA player who decided not to play games on Sunday, my mom leaned over to me after the meeting was over, and despite all the trials she is going through, told me that she is now newly committed to keeping the Sabbath day holy.  What a sweet moment to my heart! She said she will prepare beforehand by buying what she needs the day before.  You don't understand how much that means! :)

2.  At church, I got greeted by the Ward Mission leader, and he was excited to see me because he thought maybe I was new in the ward.  How friendly of him...and his co-chair was also there with him, as well as the sister missionaries.  What a friendly ward!  It really sweetened my day.   It is so good to see such faithful Saints all over the world. 

3.  Me and my dad had been trying to get ahold of my aunt for the last couple of days.  I finally sent her a text as a last resort, and she happened to see my text right as my dad decided it was too late to go.  :(  She's been struggling so much lately I thought maybe we could come by and visit and just be her friend.  My dad immediately decided to drive over to see her anyways, and it was a great visit.  It may have been a small thing, but I am so glad we got to see her!  My cousin was there, too.  What a treat.  And she laughed and joked with us the whole time.  I think it did lift her up, as when we were about to leave, she said "oh, I am sad, now my entertainment is gone." 

4.  A beautiful sunset.  Oh I am going to miss it here.

5. But, I do get to see my great friends in Provo tomorrow.  Hopefully I didn't drive everyone crazy with all my texts this week.  :)  Til then, see you soon, and remember that every day we can see the Lord's hand in lots of ways if we just stop and look.  He is in the details.  Try it, it really refreshes your thoughts and perspective!

I am going to miss these little missionary moments I've been having all week, hopefully I can still have them in Provo!

--Shayna

Where did the sunshine go?

I'm here in California visiting my family still. It's been really fun and I am not looking forward to going back to work. haha...I guess we wouldn't be happy if we didn't ever work for anything huh...

I think I made my decision.  (drum roll please.....) 

I have decided it would be best to keep working at my job until July when it will end, and then move after that.  We will see where I end up. :) That way I can keep saving money.  And plans for Italy might change....TBA.

And whoever said California is warm all the time? its 48 degrees. Brr!  Its still California though, good ole beautiful place with way too many people and way too much traffic....I think I would love to live in the central valley one day.  :)  Its way chill there, there's a lot more space, and its a lot cheaper!   And there are way fewer people and it is more conservative.  There you have it.

To anyone reading this, have a great day, ok??  I mean it.

love,
shayna

Struggling with a Tough Decision...

Well, I am here in good ole California visiting my family for the post-holidays.  It's been fun, its been real....and earlier this year I got sick of being so lonely so I decided I would move back in April.

Now that I am here, (albeit just visiting), I am frusterated, I am feeling like though I love my family I do not know if I could just live here.  And housing in California is way over my budget (which I would much prefer having my own place with roommates).  In fact, one month of rent would wipe out my entire savings account.  Not only that, but even though I am here, I feel out of place a little bit and uncomfortable because my parents haven't really had me around being an "adult", so when I try to just do things on my own or be my own person, they jump in and say things or correct things....which I can totally understand, and maybe they are right but I like doing things on my own.  Ugh...The thing is, there is a good school here I was planning on attending that has a great price, and I could live at home for free and get my education done, then I could find a good job that pays well (cause its California...) Not to mention, its freakin CALIFORNIA. SO FUN lol.  (nothing against Utah. It's a good place.) 

What should I do, because in Provo, Yes, I have my own space, but it sure is lonely even though you are surrounded by thousands of people your age.  Maybe I should move outside of Provo....What do I do?? (my whole family is soo excited that I made the decision to move out...and it would really disappoint them if I didn't. ) I'm just not really feeling great about this.....

Hmm......