Hey all! So I was remembering some of the stuff I learned in MFHD the other day, and this particular concept came to my mind: the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse by Gottman. Basically, these are 4 very dangerous things to do in a relationship, and if you are in a relationship it is very important to look at yourself, and at your partner, and if these behaviors are happening, figure out how to fix them! Because they will ultimately destroy your relationship. Not to get preachy because by all means I struggle sometimes!
I found this article online and I would like to paste it in here...keep in mind that I didn't write this :) no plaguarizing (sp?) here!:
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Based on John Gottman's, PhD, Relationship Research
Adapted from his book "The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work"
by Gudrun Zomerland, MFT
Dr. John Gottman can predict with 96% accuracy within the first three minutes of a couple having a conversation whether the relationship he is watching will survive over the long-haul or not. He bases his predictions on four potentially destructive communication styles and coping mechanisms: (1) harsh startup, (2) the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, (3) flooding, and (4) body language. In this synopsis I will focus on the Four Horsemen.
The Four Horsemen are a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. Dr. Gottman uses this metaphor to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship.
The first horseman in a relationship is
criticism. Criticizing our partner is different than offering a critique or having a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former attacks our partner at the core. In effect, we are dismantling his or her whole being when we criticize.
Example: "I was scared when you were running late and didn't call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other" is a complaint. "You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don't believe you are that forgetful; you just don't think about me" is a criticism.
The second horseman is
contempt. When we communicate from this state, we are being mean, treating others with disrespect by using sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The partner feels despised and worthless. Contempt is toxic and cannot be replaced with anything. It must be eliminated.
Example: "I've been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do, when you come home from work, is to flop down on that sofa and become a couch potato. You are just about the sorriest excuse for a husband I can think of."
The third horseman is
defensiveness. This is an easy one to fall into. We feel accused of something and think that, if we tell our partner our excuse for doing what we did, he or she will back off. But the excuse just tells our partner that we haven't considered anything he or she has said. Basically, by defending ourselves we are ignoring our partner.
Example: She: "Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we are not coming tonight as you said this morning you would?" He: "I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact you knew how busy my schedule was. Why didn't you just do it?" He not only responds defensively but turns the table and makes it her fault. A nondefensive response would have been: "Oooops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. Let me call them right now."
The fourth horseman is
stonewalling. When we stonewall, we avoid conflict either because we are unconscious of our own feelings or because we are afraid. Rather than confronting the issues (usually they tend to accumulate) with our partner, we make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, being busy or engaging in obsessive behaviors. We simply stop engaging in the business of relating to another person.
Note:
My experience as couples counselor for the past 16 years has validated what Dr. Gottman's research has shown. When all four horsemen are active and alive in a relationship, it is most likely too late to turn it around. I believe when the latter two, defensiveness and stonewalling are present, your relationship has a chance to survive if you seek outside help such as couples counseling. In order to change the first two horsemen, criticism and contempt, the person who engages in them really needs individual counseling because the attack on another person's worth usually stems from childhood wounds such as parental criticism, shaming, belittling or excessive demands. Feel free to call me for a free 20-minute phone consultation or to set up a regular appointment.
Visit Dr. Gottman's website at http://www.gottman.com/marriage.
"The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work" is available at Amazon.com.
article taken from : http://www.chinnstreetcounseling.com/zomerland/zomerland_8.shtml
Anyways, like I said, oh my goodness I do these things all the time! I do have an old roommate who did this a TON to her now husband when he was trying to date her. But now they have such a great relationship....so maybe it relates more to a marriage relationship than when you are dating and trying to figure each other out. However, I am certain that its very rarely good to do these things...gulp...I guess this is why repentance and forgiveness are also needed to make a relationship work.
