Soul Searching Time

The last week or so has made me stop and think quite a bit. You know when you "lose" someone, you kind of go through stages, first one being "well, I'm tired. Tired of all the crap.."  Second one being "Oh hey!  So many attractive guys around!"  The third stage being, "Man it stinks being single, I miss having someone to talk to, all these surface level relationships are awful. I'm just going to hole up in my room for awhile and miss him/her"  Then there's the "well, I can't stay away from humanity forever" so you do whatever to get yourself at least being social again. Then people flirt with you on the social scene and you feel incredibly awkward and like you are betraying someone, and there is no way you can flirt back and feel comfortable...and perhaps you feel like a very post-missionary...you stand in a group of people who are goofing off and having fun, and you are like "I'm not really here, what....how are these people interacting? I dont even know how to do it!"

While the whole while you are questioning what happened, why did it happen, what was he/she thinking, what was I thinking, what did he/she do wrong, what did I do wrong....

I've been praying so hard trying to just make sense and use this as a learning experience. I guess there's a lot going on under the surface when you are in a relationship,and sometimes when you get OUT of the relationship you can try to figure it all out.  It's hard to figure it out while you are IN it, you know what I mean?  And yet your partner oftentimes demands answers and you just don't know how to give them.  It's like you need some space to clear your head.  At least that is how it is/was for me, as Peter was way more into it than I was from the start, and he wanted to be with me 24/7, and I was not quite ready for that but I didn't want him to feel rejected (boys feel rejected easily it seems), but at the same time it didn't give  me a chance to really figure out what I wanted.   Why are relationships SO freakin complicated?? It's kind of annoying....and frustrating....and makes you think, WHY do people ever get married!  haha

After my home teacher came over last night and taught a lesson and gave me a blessing, and after the Worldwide Leadership Training this morning, I'm counting my blessings of such a feast of understandings to mull around in my head for awhile. 

 My home-teacher's lesson was based around something that has been weighing on HIS mind the last couple of months in regards to his dating experience.  He says of his girl, "Michelle is the first girl that I haven't been so anxious to "take to the temple! right now! right now!" just because I couldn't control myself physically.  She's the first girl that I am careful about keeping the honor code with. And when she is doing the dishes, the thought pops into my head, 'I should go help her.' Not because it is fun for me, but because I want to serve her. I want to respect her. Because she supports me and is always there for me. She treats me right, so I want to treat HER right.  When I first moved to Provo, I admit I wasn't thinking straight, because my initial thought was 'I'm gonna find myself the hottest girl!'  And for awhile, that's what I went after.  But now that I've met Michelle, there is a spiritual attraction.  I dont want to take advantage of her. I admire her qualities and I want to treat her right.  Just like every boy thinks his mother (who might be old and wrinkled and fat and not the prettiest) is the most beautiful thing to him, his wife should inspire the same feelings.  That's what lasts. She brings me to God. And that is what the Lord looks for, and what He wants US to look for in each other.  If that isn't there, it isn't love." Oh man, what a beautiful picture he painted!  I'm so grateful for that.  I want that. I want respected, I want to be loved like that! And I want to LOVE Like that!  Perhaps I am not seeing the good things....and perhaps some of the good things weren't completely developed yet....

Then, during the leadership training, they emphasized the importance that we all have as members of the Lord's church to minister one by one to each other.  They also re-emphasized that the family is the number one thing that we look out for in this church. That we need priesthood holders who, if we open up their hearts, we can see the reverence and almost worship (but not quite, he added) that they have for their wives. The family is being destroyed, especially by pornography, and we are raising our families in enemy territory.  Marriage brings 2 VERY different people together.  Marriage needs patience and a sense of HUMOR. :)  Forgiveness when repentances occur, and forgiveness for yourself.  And you won't ever agree on everything--it isn't about who is right and who is wrong, it is about loving the person, and about coming to the Lord.  And a man's greatest duty is to care for his wife. To add to that idea, Boyd K. Packer said that no priesthood holder could EVER denegrate his wife, and that man must give up many things that other men enjoy.  And she needs to be treated with that respect and reverence.  

I can see some of my bad attitudes and expectations, and I can see some areas where I wasn't totally off either.  I'm so grateful for modern day revelation, and for the scriptures and the Preach my Gospel manual, and institute manuals, and so many inspired sources we have to get ourselves straightened out spiritually.  I love it.  (and the stuff I said on here I'm not saying was necessarily a problem, some problems existed that I stated but some were just reminders of eternal things that I appreciated hearing.) And I'm still doing some soul searching, dont you worry.

Anyways, there is your spiritual thought for the day, and I hope you all have a great day :) 

Sometimes it hard when you can't make it work...

Well....

I guess that is that.  What a bittersweet day.

My smiley faced Peter wasn't so happy I guess. I don't think either of us were completely happy. So, we are no longer together. :(  

I guess I just couldn't give him what he wanted to be happy....

We are two very different people, and I guess it is pretty important to find someone you have a lot in common with.  We really did give it a try, for 6 months.  We even talked about marriage, had colors picked out., and started making our lists of invites.  

I guess I felt like oftentimes we just thought of everything so differently. We had different ideas of how to live the gospel, different ways we liked to pass the time (we tried each others interests but that just didn't pan out...), different ways of expressing love and affection....for some reason all these differences just made it so that we had a hard time gelling in some ways...

What I am grateful for is that he showed me what a real man does :)  In other words, despite me throwing up many walls, he came at me full force and didn't let anything or anyone stop him lol.....I am grateful that he tried so hard and that he had such noble goals to get married and have a family (which are my goals too) instead of just messing around and flirting with everything that walks.  He made me see the light a bit, and I'm not going to mess with any guys that aren't serious about that anymore.  

I'm grateful that he was so kind to me in many ways.  He did all he could to make the relationship work. He changed a lot of things about himself that were making it hard for me at least...

He is pretty solid.  Good guy. Sweet and strong at the same time.  I hope he can find someone who he is happy with in the future. 

Good luck Petey <3   

Pictures...FINALLY!!