Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

It's been such a roller-coaster week to say the least!

For those of you who may not know, Peter and I are no longer engaged.  My journal is left at work in a place that I can't get to very easily, so I haven't even been able to write about all of the different emotions going through me at this time.

I am certain Peter will read this, or perhaps it is best if he allows himself time to step away and to not read my blog for awhile until things settle down and it isn't so difficult to talk about or think about without resentments coming up.

I guess I'm learning some things here, and mostly my faith and humility are being challenged, I believe.  As I do feel like I made the best choice (yes, it was me)....I can't believe the incredible  peace I have felt, and on the other hand, I can't believe how many things keep coming to my mind and how many deep-seeded emotions, worries, fears, and despairing feelings I am experiencing. It's like I have this big ball of emotions wrapped up tightly inside of me and they are only beginning to unwind.  The last 3 days have been enlightening and humbling and exalting and terrifying and saddening...all at the same time!

From my end, I feel incredible guilt. I feel like I made a ton of mistakes, and hurt Peter more than I realize, but I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. I feel like its a new beginning. I also feel this dread for the future--what if I never get married?  What if I end up with a guy who has serious problems, addictions, or acts completely different after I marry him? What if I am not going to be able to have kids because I am already 28 and my body clock is ticking??  What if I move home to California and there are absolutely no men around??  What if Peter is hurting so badly right now that he goes into a deep depression and doesn't believe in himself or in his abilities to find a girl and make her happy??

Peter, if you ARE reading this, know this:  You are an incredibly hard-working companion--you do all you can to make a girl happy.  I have no doubt that you WILL find someone, even if it is not in your own timing.  I have no doubt in your abilities to be a wonderful husband and father.  I am sure you both will make mistakes, but don't we all???

I worry about myself and MY abilities to do it right, to accept someone wholly and completely.  Then again, I have been reassured time and time again that when you find the right one for you (now there are always multiple "right ones" I believe) that things click a LOT better, and it doesn't happen the way it happened with me and Peter, which I will not divulge details. I worry that I will not be very committed (which surprises me because I am incredibly committed to my family....but dating is so different, because you have to put a lot more faith in that other person who you haven't known your whole life, who could RUIN your entire future life, and trust them!)

One thing I do ask is that if you do choose to respond, please know that everyone has a different experience in love and marriage and relationships, and its really difficult, I'm learning, to look on the outside and know and understand and experience all the emotions and perspectives of the people inside of the relationship--there is often so much more going on than we realize, so please understand that I know this was the best choice for the both of us, and I wont go into details as to why.  :)

I imagine neither of us will be back to "normal" for a little while.....please be patient with me as I have so many things coursing through my heart, mind, emotions at this time....I may act a little bit crazy, I may hole up in my room and watch movies for hours, I may just smile and act like everything is fine and nothing happened....because I do believe it will be, and I do believe that this is an experience the both of us will be able to take and learn from, and that I am grateful for. I am grateful for the lessons Peter helped me to learn and the more I unwind, the more I think I will realize that I am not the same person I was before I was engaged to Peter...hopefully for the better. :)

I really am happy, I just have to re-adjust and find myself again. :)