More Thinking. Cause That's what I do Best!

Today I have come to the same realization that I oftentimes have to realize time and time again.

Do you ever have illusions of yourself in your mind of the kind of person you would like to be?  Tall, gregarious, tan, world traveller, intensely passionate, yet perfectly practical--the kind of person everyone loves, and who loves everyone?  Big, white, perfect teeth, with a smile that lights up the entire room....(you know, like Julia Roberts, mixed with Salma Hayek, and Jessica Alba, maybe with some sweet sass like Meg Ryan...forgive the celebrity references...Friendly, sweet, outgoing, sincere, assertive, and confident.

I myself have these illusions...not that it's wrong, per se, to have desires to become something breathtakingly perfect....but I have to admit...I mean...I'm BARELY 5'3, I'm definitely white (not passionately Latin, sorry to generalize..but I'm talking about the image of those girls mixed together here...and something exotic comes to mind...not white and sunburned...)...always felt like the awkward kid on the playground (yes, I walked around the flower beds in 3rd grade picking apart the leaves and thinking how cool all the veins looked...while letting the snails crawl all over me. I was a weirdo.  No wonder I had a group of maybe 3 friends who were all just like me, and all of us got made fun of...hmm.....)

I have ordered 2 books in the last week! 2!  What would I do with my time if I had all the time in the world?  Probably go for a walk and read a book.  I would clean my house, probably reorganize something.  Id enjoy a quiet evening with my family in front of the TV.  Or joking around...maybe sitting out on the porch or eating junk food. (thats the best.)  But we are all nerds so other people might find our jokes kind of quirky...so when I get into the world outside, well...back to the book.  ;)

The trouble with all of this is that I typically LIKE the guys who are more outgoing and confidant than I.  Yet, they tell you that you marry someone like yourself.  I don't want someone as boring as I am!! NO!! I REFUSE!!! ....but I feel so awkward around guys that are more outgoing than I am. Why?  Because I feel this pressure to be the outgoing, happy, flirty, kind of a thing.  There's always this internal battle.  Because that person really is in there, but she only comes out occassionally...

So, whoever you are future husband, I hope you can deal with my back and forth personality.  I really hope so.  Just so you know, my heart is very steady...though I may be a little bit chameleon-like in my personality.  Some may say this is because I have a "gemini rising" (according to my step-mom...but probably not complete truth. ;)  ) ("the twins"--often perceived as having 2 sides of their personality, and the rising sign is how people perceive you.  There is your astrology lesson for the day.)

Basically, I am not the girl I imagine would be the perfect kind of girl.  And that is a struggle for me...which is silly because I know deep down I can be that person. What is lacking..maybe confidence.  But the Lord gave me other characteristics, and I suppose I can be of use with those. :)  Now its learning how to accept that and move forward so I CAN become more of who I want to become.  :)  I just hope I find a guy that compliments that...and can also deal with the quirkiness, and my quietness, and my zoning out because sometimes I just can't handle all this . ;)

Catching the Wild Beast

Isn't this little guy cute?  Don't you want to hold him in his arms and take him home with you?  And squeeze him and love him (I mean, minus the rabies and eye infections and potential claw marks across your face...)

What would you do if you saw this bundle of fluff, and love and affection overwhelmed your senses to the point of doing drastic things?  Well, let's start with feeding the creature.  We all have this urge to catch wild things, or lure them to us, especially to feed them.  It's like a sport...can we feed the wild beast right out of our hands? If we can, we are Mighty Hunter.  The Trusted One.  

To catch a squirrel, grabbing it and squeezing it and shoving the crust of your sandwich into its mouth is not a good idea (if you can actually catch a wild squirrel like that, you deserve a purple heart.). What if it's not even hungry? And what if it's mother got squeezed to death before its very eyes?   I can't imagine that going over so willfully....so instinctively, we usually drop a piece in front of us--several feet in front-- and sit very, very still.  We wait.  Silently.  Breathing ever so quietly. 

The squirrel may or may not come any closer.  Let's say, in this case, it does....

Fluffy looks around, looks at you, looks at the food.  Takes about 2 steps forward.  (If you flinch at this point it runs madly through the bushes.)  It stops.  It takes another couple of steps...

It comes a LITTLE closer.  Then it RUNS towards the bread, grabs it, and either devours it, or runs away with it in its grasp...

If you want it to come back, you don't grab at it madly.   You probably keep dropping crumbs until it trusts you enough...and eventually, probably after several tries, maybe even after several days, the squirrel finally feels it can eat out of your hands.

Now, imagine this in dating...

You see that person....the affection overwhelms you....

Get it?  Just a thought. Ha!  Nothing scares people away like being grabbed at, either physically or emotionally.  Amen and amen.  (And that is your lesson on how to catch girls.)

I Hate Making Decisions.

Well, the time has come to decide if I am moving back to California or staying in Provo.  Here is my dilemma...I would be moving back home to save money on grad school. (It's way cheaper out there, and I may be able to work for my aunt in the very house I'd be living in during whatever hours I can.)  However, in moving back home, that means 1. More time with the family (not complaining there) and 2. Less time socializing which means...I won't have much of a life.  Given that I am 27 years old, I am both ready to start a new life (aka, a real one with my own real family) and tired, oh so tired, of being in Provo on my own.  HOWEVER....I really, really, have come to love being in Provo.  ???  What???  I know...I did NOT like it here for the longest time.  But I have come to appreciate the friendliness, the social life, the sunshine in the Spring and Summer, and yes, even the snow in the Winter. I LOVE the mountains. I Love that I am 5 minutes from the temple, that I get to work at the temple, that I have my OWN apartment with my own space...

But I am not progressing. I feel like I am kind of stuck here. My grandparents are getting older and older, my cousins sicker and sicker, my sister just had a baby...and I am playing at the pool every day, leisurely hanging out with friends, getting fanned with banana leaves (ok not really...)...and what for? With all of this debate going on in my head, I did not sign a contract at my current place, because I didn't want to get stuck with a contract if I was going to move out.  I got a text yesterday from my roommate, and they SOLD MY CONTRACT!  And there are NO available spots left.  I put my name back on the waiting list, but I keep thinking, do I really want to stay here another year? Well, over the last couple of months, my ward has improved a TON.  I have felt the Lord wringing me out like a wet rag with this calling....probably something I need....so I'm learning a lot, finally...after feeling like I'm not progressing (of course maybe I'm really not progressing here, just realizing how dense and prideful I am...).  And I really am tired of my own pride and want to let myself actually date someone....yep I admit it....but I mostly just don't trust my own ability to pick out a good man-catch...so I just don't....

SIGH....OH this is hard!! I just want to curl up in a ball and let the Lord push me where I need to go.  Please?? Just this once!

Blah bitty blah blah

Do you ever feel just kind of blah? like you would rather sit inside and read a book?  I find myself getting into these funks that last a few weeks and have to drag myself out to socialize....and I'm sure everyone can see it. I dont know how to get over it, its so annoying...and it's pretty normal for me to get like that....I just don't like that part of myself I guess :)  

But, anyways, ;)  It's the 4th of July and Im hanging out in my apartment..haha...sad huh!!  I didn't know what anyone was really up to accept going to SLC to watch the lights. Unfortunately, I have to get up at 530 for work so this didn't sound like the best idea for me... :(  lame o!!  I totally would have otherwise.  But I did call my mom and talk to her about boys (when it rains, it poors!! Man alive! ha) and family stuff.  I just love em!  River has started smiling really big and she is SO CUTE!

I did go to see Brad Paisley this weekend! It was SO AWESOME!!! I will say it was strange hearing some of those lyrics in the BYU stadium...I've never even thought of his music as being inappropriate at ALL...but for some reason, in that stadium, I was extra sensitive to it.  The show was awesome though, the lights were huge and breathtaking and in-your-face (no one got injured this time though ;)  )...SO Amazing!!  

 This is the only time you will see so much red in this stadium ;)  

David Archuletta also came. I got his picture but we were literally sitting so high up that I could have touched the scoreboard, so the picture was very blurry when I zoomed in.  My roommate sang in the Fire Choir.  I just can't get over how great the show was!!

My ward has also been extremely active. It's amazing what happens in the Summer out here!  People have all this pent up energy that they have to let out, so there is something happening every night, literally.  (Too bad I don't know what it is tonight...)  I feel this overwhelming burden that I am just not good enough for this calling, maybe that is where this funk is coming from.  Though we have a very active ward, we have about 15 less actives and about 20 that never come to activities....(actually probably more like 40)....and the Elders are doing GREAT! The sisters are slipping through the cracks like no other.  I am aware of their names, but I don't know much about them.  I'm trying (like, I will knock on their doors and visit..if they are there!...but there are so many!) , and I don't want to be that annoying Relief Society President, so I try to send out visiting teachers, and we assign people from Ward Counsel also, and we divide them up amongst the RS Counselors as well.  I just feel like the Lord is wringing me like a wet rag and showing me all of my imperfections....I used to be so confident in my callings.  Not this one! All of a sudden my frailties are extremely visible....and I'm sure some of the girls don't like me...sigh..it's easy to give advice to people in this situation, but not easy when you are in it!  haha!