So many questions that need answered!

Man alive, it has been a hard week! Gah! 

Let me begin with all the stress and pressure I am feeling to decide whether or not to marry someone....and along with that comes many doubts, dark feelings, fears, moments where I wonder WHY am I even considering this??? What do I really feel?? Is this what I really want??   Then there are moments when old friends pop up out of nowhere and your heart is filled with joy talking to them, and you wonder, OK, is this really how I should be feeling all the time when I'm considering marrying someone? Am I making the wrong choice here??  

Then my mind reverts back to tough moments while we have been dating, but also to all the good moments that happen when we are open and honest with each other, when we have worked through things, when I have freaked out multiple times and he is always there to listen, and though he may be hurt and disappointed, he tries to comfort me and talk me through things in his logical yet caring way....but then I worry if I am totally honest with him all the time right now I am just going to hurt him a lot, so how much do I tell him and how much do I keep inside and deal with on my own?  He's definitely going to get hurt and maybe even mad if he hears about some of my doubts and what not, and I don't want that reaction....because I don't want to hurt him....I worry that we don't quite "gel" the way I have gelled with other friends.....but maybe that is just because of all of my fears and all the pressure of it ...

I think of past relationships, I worry that this marriage would turn out that way.  I worry that he won't fit in with my family, or that we will move far far away and I won't ever see my wonderful cousins, grandparents, parents, and siblings!  I worry that one day he wakes up and doesn't want to make me happy anymore. I worry that I don't have my heart in the right place either, that I will wake up and not care anymore, or that maybe I don't care enough..... I even worry because he is too nice to me...lol....it's like he tries so hard that its hard for me to always be open and what not because I am worried I will do or say the wrong thing and will just hurt him or make him mad.... I worry that all the pieces won't fit together right ...I worry that what if the Lord has something else in mind for me or for him?  

So much stress and pressure built up inside of me, I just want to curl up in a ball....

 

Oh this is so difficult!  How did you "know" it was the right one for you??  How did you know you weren't just settling or convincing yourself it was right??

Peter tries so hard. He is so good to me.  He's not perfect but I think he will make a great husband and father to whoever he marries....and he's done so much and can truly say that he's given it his all, even if I haven't all the time...I didn't even like him at ALL at first! ha!  I couldn't stand him!  

Don't you wish the answers would just plop down in front of you?? :)  Maybe an angel or something...please? Any free angels up there right now? I could really use your Heavenly inspiration! :)  

Surprise!

A lot has happened in the last month!

1.  Peter and I are dating again.....and its much better this time around! It's amazing what communication can do...

2.  Peter threw me a surprise birthday party.....lol that was a funny story.....OK, ok I guess I'll tell it...

A few days before my birthday, I told Peter I thought my roommates were up to something.  He said that Ashley had talked to him about maybe planning something, but not on my actual birthday--it would have to be maybe the week after.  So I thought, well, I still wouldn't put it past someone....

The day of my birthday arrives, and Peter asks me what I would like to do for my birthday. I have this buy one, get one coupon at Tucano's for the month of March (birthday present from Tucanos) so I figure, we may as well go there!  Peter agrees.  While I'm getting ready in the bathroom, I hear my roommates talking about vanilla and sugar, and I'm thinking...OK they are definitely up to something, but I'm going out to dinner.  Peter comes by about 7 to pick me up.  As we drive away, he notices that his oil light is on, so he says he needs to stop and put oil in his car. We stop, he oils up, and then we are on our way.  He then tells me, "Oh, dang it, I left my wallet at home."  (What?? Peter NEVER leaves his wallet at home. That's when I KNOW something is up.)  Right before we walk into his door, he gives me a big excited hug and a kiss and he marches me to the door.

"SURPRISE!"

I knew it. 

There were SO many decorations, pizza, candy, homemade popcorn stuff (dont even know what to call it), and a housefull of people.  Aw Thanks Petey!

3.  Peter MAY have proposed to me....

But I told him I'm not ready. lol....he's proposed at least 3 times in the last 3 days.  Peter, I'm not going to be ready the day after you propose....lol....

Soul Searching Time

The last week or so has made me stop and think quite a bit. You know when you "lose" someone, you kind of go through stages, first one being "well, I'm tired. Tired of all the crap.."  Second one being "Oh hey!  So many attractive guys around!"  The third stage being, "Man it stinks being single, I miss having someone to talk to, all these surface level relationships are awful. I'm just going to hole up in my room for awhile and miss him/her"  Then there's the "well, I can't stay away from humanity forever" so you do whatever to get yourself at least being social again. Then people flirt with you on the social scene and you feel incredibly awkward and like you are betraying someone, and there is no way you can flirt back and feel comfortable...and perhaps you feel like a very post-missionary...you stand in a group of people who are goofing off and having fun, and you are like "I'm not really here, what....how are these people interacting? I dont even know how to do it!"

While the whole while you are questioning what happened, why did it happen, what was he/she thinking, what was I thinking, what did he/she do wrong, what did I do wrong....

I've been praying so hard trying to just make sense and use this as a learning experience. I guess there's a lot going on under the surface when you are in a relationship,and sometimes when you get OUT of the relationship you can try to figure it all out.  It's hard to figure it out while you are IN it, you know what I mean?  And yet your partner oftentimes demands answers and you just don't know how to give them.  It's like you need some space to clear your head.  At least that is how it is/was for me, as Peter was way more into it than I was from the start, and he wanted to be with me 24/7, and I was not quite ready for that but I didn't want him to feel rejected (boys feel rejected easily it seems), but at the same time it didn't give  me a chance to really figure out what I wanted.   Why are relationships SO freakin complicated?? It's kind of annoying....and frustrating....and makes you think, WHY do people ever get married!  haha

After my home teacher came over last night and taught a lesson and gave me a blessing, and after the Worldwide Leadership Training this morning, I'm counting my blessings of such a feast of understandings to mull around in my head for awhile. 

 My home-teacher's lesson was based around something that has been weighing on HIS mind the last couple of months in regards to his dating experience.  He says of his girl, "Michelle is the first girl that I haven't been so anxious to "take to the temple! right now! right now!" just because I couldn't control myself physically.  She's the first girl that I am careful about keeping the honor code with. And when she is doing the dishes, the thought pops into my head, 'I should go help her.' Not because it is fun for me, but because I want to serve her. I want to respect her. Because she supports me and is always there for me. She treats me right, so I want to treat HER right.  When I first moved to Provo, I admit I wasn't thinking straight, because my initial thought was 'I'm gonna find myself the hottest girl!'  And for awhile, that's what I went after.  But now that I've met Michelle, there is a spiritual attraction.  I dont want to take advantage of her. I admire her qualities and I want to treat her right.  Just like every boy thinks his mother (who might be old and wrinkled and fat and not the prettiest) is the most beautiful thing to him, his wife should inspire the same feelings.  That's what lasts. She brings me to God. And that is what the Lord looks for, and what He wants US to look for in each other.  If that isn't there, it isn't love." Oh man, what a beautiful picture he painted!  I'm so grateful for that.  I want that. I want respected, I want to be loved like that! And I want to LOVE Like that!  Perhaps I am not seeing the good things....and perhaps some of the good things weren't completely developed yet....

Then, during the leadership training, they emphasized the importance that we all have as members of the Lord's church to minister one by one to each other.  They also re-emphasized that the family is the number one thing that we look out for in this church. That we need priesthood holders who, if we open up their hearts, we can see the reverence and almost worship (but not quite, he added) that they have for their wives. The family is being destroyed, especially by pornography, and we are raising our families in enemy territory.  Marriage brings 2 VERY different people together.  Marriage needs patience and a sense of HUMOR. :)  Forgiveness when repentances occur, and forgiveness for yourself.  And you won't ever agree on everything--it isn't about who is right and who is wrong, it is about loving the person, and about coming to the Lord.  And a man's greatest duty is to care for his wife. To add to that idea, Boyd K. Packer said that no priesthood holder could EVER denegrate his wife, and that man must give up many things that other men enjoy.  And she needs to be treated with that respect and reverence.  

I can see some of my bad attitudes and expectations, and I can see some areas where I wasn't totally off either.  I'm so grateful for modern day revelation, and for the scriptures and the Preach my Gospel manual, and institute manuals, and so many inspired sources we have to get ourselves straightened out spiritually.  I love it.  (and the stuff I said on here I'm not saying was necessarily a problem, some problems existed that I stated but some were just reminders of eternal things that I appreciated hearing.) And I'm still doing some soul searching, dont you worry.

Anyways, there is your spiritual thought for the day, and I hope you all have a great day :) 

Sometimes it hard when you can't make it work...

Well....

I guess that is that.  What a bittersweet day.

My smiley faced Peter wasn't so happy I guess. I don't think either of us were completely happy. So, we are no longer together. :(  

I guess I just couldn't give him what he wanted to be happy....

We are two very different people, and I guess it is pretty important to find someone you have a lot in common with.  We really did give it a try, for 6 months.  We even talked about marriage, had colors picked out., and started making our lists of invites.  

I guess I felt like oftentimes we just thought of everything so differently. We had different ideas of how to live the gospel, different ways we liked to pass the time (we tried each others interests but that just didn't pan out...), different ways of expressing love and affection....for some reason all these differences just made it so that we had a hard time gelling in some ways...

What I am grateful for is that he showed me what a real man does :)  In other words, despite me throwing up many walls, he came at me full force and didn't let anything or anyone stop him lol.....I am grateful that he tried so hard and that he had such noble goals to get married and have a family (which are my goals too) instead of just messing around and flirting with everything that walks.  He made me see the light a bit, and I'm not going to mess with any guys that aren't serious about that anymore.  

I'm grateful that he was so kind to me in many ways.  He did all he could to make the relationship work. He changed a lot of things about himself that were making it hard for me at least...

He is pretty solid.  Good guy. Sweet and strong at the same time.  I hope he can find someone who he is happy with in the future. 

Good luck Petey <3