What? Yes I have come to this realization as of late. NOT PERFECT! Holy crap.
I even almost swore the other day...my roommate was talking and I was like "What the H....."I mean, where did THAT come from? And I had just gotten out of the Temple. HA!
Obviously, I already have known, for quite some time, that I am not perfect.
I guess this whole Peter thing has opened up my eyes to some things about myself....namely, my impetuous perfectionism, not only with myself, but with my companion and family...future family, that is. Just how I was with my family in the past. I should have known I am still the same person I was when I was 13 and yelling at my brother for disrupting scripture study....a scripture study that I (oh mighty one) had orchestrated myself, not any parental figure, so of course he was being a thug. I still feel bad about that to this day and think that I ruined any love he may have had for the scriptures....
Anyway, I guess this is a good reminder that even the "best" of us need a Savior. Because if I am walking around demanding perfection from everyone else, and not forgiving them for past mistakes, who am I? Someone with a shriveled up little heart that cannot forgive or have patience or love or kindness....Hello, that's the whole essence of Christ. I feel like such a heel.....And yet I am grateful for this soul-shaking awakening of my utter vulnerability and dependence on God. I hope I can figure out how to be a better companion and let OTHER people need God and forgiveness as well (because, though they may have sinned differently than me, MY sin is to judge, which is considered the greater sin.). Or else why would anyone EVER want to marry me?? I wouldn't.
6.15.2012
6.14.2012
Let Us Raise the Flag
Happy Flag Day Everyone!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2Kjgfq-7PQ&feature=player_embedded
Watching this video has inspired me to contemplate the state of our country at this time.
I believe there are many people out there who fear God, who try to live good lives, and who still stand for our freedoms.
I hope that we can all remember what it really means to be free, and to stand for something. Flag Day reminds me of a passage of scripture in the Book of Mormon: At the time in the Americas, there were two major groups of people, the Lamanites and the Nephites. The Nephites were usually considered the people who feared God and tried to live righteously. Your traditional story of good versus evil. :) At this time, though, the Nephites were starting to get a little bit selfish and haughty, and they began fighting amongst themselves, some trying to raise themselves above others and declare themselves "kings", even though their government was not ran by a kingship, but it had leaders somewhat similar to what we have in America today. So the Captain of the Military, Moroni, got to action. He was a very inspirational man, and desired freedom for everyone, not to be ruled by some dictatorship, especially a king who thought he was higher than everyone else. So he pulled together his resources,....
Alma 46:
12 And it came to pass that he rent his coat; and he took a piece thereof, and wrote upon it—In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children—and he fastened it upon the end of a pole.
13 And he fastened on his head-plate, and his breastplate, and his shields, and girded on his armor about his loins; and he took the pole, which had on the end thereof his rent coat, (and he called it the title of liberty) and he bowed himself to the earth, and he prayed mightily unto his God for the blessings of liberty to rest upon his brethren, so long as there should a band of Christians remain to possess the land—
36 And it came to pass also, that he caused the title of liberty to be hoisted upon every tower which was in all the land, which was possessed by the Nephites; and thus Moroni planted the standard of liberty among the Nephites.
I love this scripture! It is so inspiring. He collected so many people by doing this, by inciting an uprising against those who sought to take away the freedom that they had so dearly loved. They ended up banning together and banishing those who were getting too high and mighty for their own good, and the country was reminded of their dependence on God and what they should be standing for. How amazing!
Happy Flag Day, and I hope we can all remember this great lesson!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2Kjgfq-7PQ&feature=player_embedded
Watching this video has inspired me to contemplate the state of our country at this time.
I believe there are many people out there who fear God, who try to live good lives, and who still stand for our freedoms.
I hope that we can all remember what it really means to be free, and to stand for something. Flag Day reminds me of a passage of scripture in the Book of Mormon: At the time in the Americas, there were two major groups of people, the Lamanites and the Nephites. The Nephites were usually considered the people who feared God and tried to live righteously. Your traditional story of good versus evil. :) At this time, though, the Nephites were starting to get a little bit selfish and haughty, and they began fighting amongst themselves, some trying to raise themselves above others and declare themselves "kings", even though their government was not ran by a kingship, but it had leaders somewhat similar to what we have in America today. So the Captain of the Military, Moroni, got to action. He was a very inspirational man, and desired freedom for everyone, not to be ruled by some dictatorship, especially a king who thought he was higher than everyone else. So he pulled together his resources,....
Alma 46:
12 And it came to pass that he rent his coat; and he took a piece thereof, and wrote upon it—In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children—and he fastened it upon the end of a pole.
13 And he fastened on his head-plate, and his breastplate, and his shields, and girded on his armor about his loins; and he took the pole, which had on the end thereof his rent coat, (and he called it the title of liberty) and he bowed himself to the earth, and he prayed mightily unto his God for the blessings of liberty to rest upon his brethren, so long as there should a band of Christians remain to possess the land—
36 And it came to pass also, that he caused the title of liberty to be hoisted upon every tower which was in all the land, which was possessed by the Nephites; and thus Moroni planted the standard of liberty among the Nephites.
I love this scripture! It is so inspiring. He collected so many people by doing this, by inciting an uprising against those who sought to take away the freedom that they had so dearly loved. They ended up banning together and banishing those who were getting too high and mighty for their own good, and the country was reminded of their dependence on God and what they should be standing for. How amazing!
Happy Flag Day, and I hope we can all remember this great lesson!
6.08.2012
Whelp, not much going on here. Ha...
I'm sitting in my room watching Rocky 2. I loved the first one, so I bought the whole lot!
I've been watching a lot of movies lately...not much else to do ha. Most of my friends are kind of gone....I used to hang out with my ward a ton, but Peter didn't like to do that all that much, he's more introverted than I am, so I lost touch with a lot of people in my ward, and now I feel weird getting back into the swing of things just yet. And I know I'm leaving in the Fall anyway, and it takes me awhile to build relationships with people (I'm also pretty introverted :) ) so, yeah.....just kind of waiting it out, and hanging out when I feel like it.
A lot is going through my emotions still. I think the biggest thing to adjust to is re-adjusting back to single-life. It's like, you expect to be moving on with your life....but then you get really disappointed remembering that you are back to square one again, and its just kind of defeating. And you realize how lonely it really is being single! It stinks! haha! And you also question your own abilities a lot and prettymuch think you are a loser. lol.
I will be ok....I mean, I'm the one that broke it off, I know it was the right decision. I hope this isn't a totally downer post....
One last thought to end with:
"Boy, you gonna eat lightenin', and crap thunder!!"
The end.
I'm sitting in my room watching Rocky 2. I loved the first one, so I bought the whole lot!
I've been watching a lot of movies lately...not much else to do ha. Most of my friends are kind of gone....I used to hang out with my ward a ton, but Peter didn't like to do that all that much, he's more introverted than I am, so I lost touch with a lot of people in my ward, and now I feel weird getting back into the swing of things just yet. And I know I'm leaving in the Fall anyway, and it takes me awhile to build relationships with people (I'm also pretty introverted :) ) so, yeah.....just kind of waiting it out, and hanging out when I feel like it.
A lot is going through my emotions still. I think the biggest thing to adjust to is re-adjusting back to single-life. It's like, you expect to be moving on with your life....but then you get really disappointed remembering that you are back to square one again, and its just kind of defeating. And you realize how lonely it really is being single! It stinks! haha! And you also question your own abilities a lot and prettymuch think you are a loser. lol.
I will be ok....I mean, I'm the one that broke it off, I know it was the right decision. I hope this isn't a totally downer post....
One last thought to end with:
"Boy, you gonna eat lightenin', and crap thunder!!"
The end.
5.31.2012
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
It's been such a roller-coaster week to say the least!
For those of you who may not know, Peter and I are no longer engaged. My journal is left at work in a place that I can't get to very easily, so I haven't even been able to write about all of the different emotions going through me at this time.
I am certain Peter will read this, or perhaps it is best if he allows himself time to step away and to not read my blog for awhile until things settle down and it isn't so difficult to talk about or think about without resentments coming up.
I guess I'm learning some things here, and mostly my faith and humility are being challenged, I believe. As I do feel like I made the best choice (yes, it was me)....I can't believe the incredible peace I have felt, and on the other hand, I can't believe how many things keep coming to my mind and how many deep-seeded emotions, worries, fears, and despairing feelings I am experiencing. It's like I have this big ball of emotions wrapped up tightly inside of me and they are only beginning to unwind. The last 3 days have been enlightening and humbling and exalting and terrifying and saddening...all at the same time!
From my end, I feel incredible guilt. I feel like I made a ton of mistakes, and hurt Peter more than I realize, but I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. I feel like its a new beginning. I also feel this dread for the future--what if I never get married? What if I end up with a guy who has serious problems, addictions, or acts completely different after I marry him? What if I am not going to be able to have kids because I am already 28 and my body clock is ticking?? What if I move home to California and there are absolutely no men around?? What if Peter is hurting so badly right now that he goes into a deep depression and doesn't believe in himself or in his abilities to find a girl and make her happy??
Peter, if you ARE reading this, know this: You are an incredibly hard-working companion--you do all you can to make a girl happy. I have no doubt that you WILL find someone, even if it is not in your own timing. I have no doubt in your abilities to be a wonderful husband and father. I am sure you both will make mistakes, but don't we all???
I worry about myself and MY abilities to do it right, to accept someone wholly and completely. Then again, I have been reassured time and time again that when you find the right one for you (now there are always multiple "right ones" I believe) that things click a LOT better, and it doesn't happen the way it happened with me and Peter, which I will not divulge details. I worry that I will not be very committed (which surprises me because I am incredibly committed to my family....but dating is so different, because you have to put a lot more faith in that other person who you haven't known your whole life, who could RUIN your entire future life, and trust them!)
One thing I do ask is that if you do choose to respond, please know that everyone has a different experience in love and marriage and relationships, and its really difficult, I'm learning, to look on the outside and know and understand and experience all the emotions and perspectives of the people inside of the relationship--there is often so much more going on than we realize, so please understand that I know this was the best choice for the both of us, and I wont go into details as to why. :)
I imagine neither of us will be back to "normal" for a little while.....please be patient with me as I have so many things coursing through my heart, mind, emotions at this time....I may act a little bit crazy, I may hole up in my room and watch movies for hours, I may just smile and act like everything is fine and nothing happened....because I do believe it will be, and I do believe that this is an experience the both of us will be able to take and learn from, and that I am grateful for. I am grateful for the lessons Peter helped me to learn and the more I unwind, the more I think I will realize that I am not the same person I was before I was engaged to Peter...hopefully for the better. :)
I really am happy, I just have to re-adjust and find myself again. :)
For those of you who may not know, Peter and I are no longer engaged. My journal is left at work in a place that I can't get to very easily, so I haven't even been able to write about all of the different emotions going through me at this time.
I am certain Peter will read this, or perhaps it is best if he allows himself time to step away and to not read my blog for awhile until things settle down and it isn't so difficult to talk about or think about without resentments coming up.
I guess I'm learning some things here, and mostly my faith and humility are being challenged, I believe. As I do feel like I made the best choice (yes, it was me)....I can't believe the incredible peace I have felt, and on the other hand, I can't believe how many things keep coming to my mind and how many deep-seeded emotions, worries, fears, and despairing feelings I am experiencing. It's like I have this big ball of emotions wrapped up tightly inside of me and they are only beginning to unwind. The last 3 days have been enlightening and humbling and exalting and terrifying and saddening...all at the same time!
From my end, I feel incredible guilt. I feel like I made a ton of mistakes, and hurt Peter more than I realize, but I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. I feel like its a new beginning. I also feel this dread for the future--what if I never get married? What if I end up with a guy who has serious problems, addictions, or acts completely different after I marry him? What if I am not going to be able to have kids because I am already 28 and my body clock is ticking?? What if I move home to California and there are absolutely no men around?? What if Peter is hurting so badly right now that he goes into a deep depression and doesn't believe in himself or in his abilities to find a girl and make her happy??
Peter, if you ARE reading this, know this: You are an incredibly hard-working companion--you do all you can to make a girl happy. I have no doubt that you WILL find someone, even if it is not in your own timing. I have no doubt in your abilities to be a wonderful husband and father. I am sure you both will make mistakes, but don't we all???
I worry about myself and MY abilities to do it right, to accept someone wholly and completely. Then again, I have been reassured time and time again that when you find the right one for you (now there are always multiple "right ones" I believe) that things click a LOT better, and it doesn't happen the way it happened with me and Peter, which I will not divulge details. I worry that I will not be very committed (which surprises me because I am incredibly committed to my family....but dating is so different, because you have to put a lot more faith in that other person who you haven't known your whole life, who could RUIN your entire future life, and trust them!)
One thing I do ask is that if you do choose to respond, please know that everyone has a different experience in love and marriage and relationships, and its really difficult, I'm learning, to look on the outside and know and understand and experience all the emotions and perspectives of the people inside of the relationship--there is often so much more going on than we realize, so please understand that I know this was the best choice for the both of us, and I wont go into details as to why. :)
I imagine neither of us will be back to "normal" for a little while.....please be patient with me as I have so many things coursing through my heart, mind, emotions at this time....I may act a little bit crazy, I may hole up in my room and watch movies for hours, I may just smile and act like everything is fine and nothing happened....because I do believe it will be, and I do believe that this is an experience the both of us will be able to take and learn from, and that I am grateful for. I am grateful for the lessons Peter helped me to learn and the more I unwind, the more I think I will realize that I am not the same person I was before I was engaged to Peter...hopefully for the better. :)
I really am happy, I just have to re-adjust and find myself again. :)
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