Okay, okay. So....Rob and I have been talking about getting married. He is such a sweetheart, and when we get to talking about how we really feel and everything, I feel way closer to him and think he is fantastic.
And yet, last night, right before going into institute, I get this sick feeling come over me. It was enough that I could not disguise, and Rob asked me what is up. Tracing my thought processes, I had initially been listening to the lesson on Obedience by President Monson from Conference. Then I got to thinking about whether or not I could handle Polygamy. For some reason, this has been uber on my mind lately. Maybe discussing eternal marriage does that, because I don't know HOW on earth I am supposed to populate a planet all by myself. That's crazy. Anyway, could I be obedient if we were asked to do polygamy? I asked Rob if he would re-marry if we did get married and I died, and he said he would do what God told him to do. Psh...cop-out answer, right? I mean, how do I argue with that. "I've never really thought about polygamy, so, I don't know...I mean, I wouldn't want to...." Anyway, my mind got to thinking about it all, and out of the blue I got this really gross feeling inside. Me and Rob talked about it, and I dismissed it as my thought process freaking me out....
But then, this morning, after I felt like we had talked it out, I woke up to that feeling again. And I hadn't even been thinking about Rob or polygamy or anything nonsensical...lol.. And then I felt like it didn't have to do with polygamy, but it certainly made me question if marrying Rob is the right thing to do. And it felt peaceful at the same time. Peaceful and sick....how on earth?? Peaceful that maybe it isn't right....and almost clear as a bell....and I've heard of people not feeling right about it and then feeling right about it later....which is so confusing to me lol. I felt prompted to move out here. So did he. My patriarchal blessing would TOTALLY make sense in this scenario....seriously.....and when I met him I got that feeling, you know, that FEELING...
What I don't understand here is....Why would I feel like that? Did any of you ladies get that feeling before you married your man? Is it just because marriage is scary before you jump in? Am I going through the typical grieving process? Is this normal? I mean, we literally talked about a date....and how cute it would be to pick that date because it was the day of our FIRST date. And that is in about 3 1/2 months....And then, all of a sudden, I am getting these feelings. I've always been scared, like most people I'd say...but how do I know if this is the Lord telling me to STOP?
6.20.2013
3.25.2013
And on to March!
After 2 months of no blogging I thought I'd sit down for a minute and write something.
1. Being back in California has been a challenge....I totally miss Utah! Never thought I would. But once I got used to all the Mormons being in one place, I loved it. It's not the same...On the other hand, being here has required me to work harder, to look into my own heart and to become something on my own instead of relying on my environment to do it for me. But I still miss it ;) and I'm still working on becoming better....
2. On becoming....I've been super blessed to have had lots of little experiences that have helped me to see myself for who I am and where I can improve. Someone said something about a month ago....it is not that our challenges bring out our worst, they merely reveal who we are. It is easy to be kind, to be happy, and to be patient and non-judgmental if we are with people who are just that, if things in our life are going the way we want them to...but when we are with people who are grumpy, or crude, or mean, or critical, or doing things we don't agree with...well, therein lies the real test!
3. ELDER HOLLAND CAME ON FRIDAY NIGHT!!!! He came and spoke at this conference thing...Rob had the chance to sing in a quartet (beautiful, by the way!!) before Elder Holland spoke (who, by the way, had his eyes closed tightly in a way that looked as though he was soaking in every bit of that song...it was a beautiful thing to watch :) ) His message was basically this: Do not shrink from letting yourself experience an opportunity for growth, for in our trials and suffering and sacrifices, that is when (he believes) God loves us the most, and when we have a chance to become better. However, he said, do not go looking for trouble, because life gives us enough of it! ha....He also said, very emphatically with a few pounds on the pulpit, "DONT YOU EVER SAY THAT GOD DOES NOT LOVE YOU!! He sacrificed His own child for you!! " That might not be word for word but same thing :)
4. On a lighter note, I am now working 2 jobs and about to start a third! But check this out...so this lady hires someone to do scrapbooking for her for as many hours and whenever they want to come in, $15 an hour...heck yes!! And scrapbooking??? Hello. I am a Mormon, after all. ;) j/k, j/k.....hopefully it works out :)
5. Aaaaand finally....Shayna finally got an IPhone! Actually my mom got it for me..for my birthday...talk about super blessed!!! :)
1. Being back in California has been a challenge....I totally miss Utah! Never thought I would. But once I got used to all the Mormons being in one place, I loved it. It's not the same...On the other hand, being here has required me to work harder, to look into my own heart and to become something on my own instead of relying on my environment to do it for me. But I still miss it ;) and I'm still working on becoming better....
2. On becoming....I've been super blessed to have had lots of little experiences that have helped me to see myself for who I am and where I can improve. Someone said something about a month ago....it is not that our challenges bring out our worst, they merely reveal who we are. It is easy to be kind, to be happy, and to be patient and non-judgmental if we are with people who are just that, if things in our life are going the way we want them to...but when we are with people who are grumpy, or crude, or mean, or critical, or doing things we don't agree with...well, therein lies the real test!
3. ELDER HOLLAND CAME ON FRIDAY NIGHT!!!! He came and spoke at this conference thing...Rob had the chance to sing in a quartet (beautiful, by the way!!) before Elder Holland spoke (who, by the way, had his eyes closed tightly in a way that looked as though he was soaking in every bit of that song...it was a beautiful thing to watch :) ) His message was basically this: Do not shrink from letting yourself experience an opportunity for growth, for in our trials and suffering and sacrifices, that is when (he believes) God loves us the most, and when we have a chance to become better. However, he said, do not go looking for trouble, because life gives us enough of it! ha....He also said, very emphatically with a few pounds on the pulpit, "DONT YOU EVER SAY THAT GOD DOES NOT LOVE YOU!! He sacrificed His own child for you!! " That might not be word for word but same thing :)
4. On a lighter note, I am now working 2 jobs and about to start a third! But check this out...so this lady hires someone to do scrapbooking for her for as many hours and whenever they want to come in, $15 an hour...heck yes!! And scrapbooking??? Hello. I am a Mormon, after all. ;) j/k, j/k.....hopefully it works out :)
5. Aaaaand finally....Shayna finally got an IPhone! Actually my mom got it for me..for my birthday...talk about super blessed!!! :)
1.30.2013
Catch Up!
Wow its been forever! Since I haven't written for...oh...over a month??? I am gonna break this down...into sections of life....
1. Social:
Well, I am dating Rob and he is so kind and so good. I am so grateful for this experience :) I feel like where I am rough, he is smooth. We will see where it goes. He looks like a Jewish boy with that hair, but he's not. lol.
At church I've also been getting to know people. I realized how I was not really liking the social atmosphere, and I realized the other day again how important it is to look at people the way the Lord looks at them. That has been my goal lately: to try to look at others with an eternal perspective so I can develop love and charity in my heart for them. It seems like any time we are unhappy about something (besides abuse, etc) a lot of it has to do with our own attitudes. I actually went to FHE on Monday....and that is a big deal for me haha! Just because I have loved being home so much that I haven't wanted to go anywhere. Of course, it helped that Rob went, and he asked me if I was going, and I didn't give him a straight answer, and he was like "ok thats cool! well have a good night, im on my way to FHE! (speaking of which, he has to take the bus everywhere so it took him like an hour to get there....I thought I could probably sacrifice a little time to go.)
2. Church/Spiritual: I got called as the ward Data Entry Specialist. I know, I know. It's totally a made up calling. I just enter in the callings, keep them straight. It doesn't require much. haha...BUT, I am happy to say I get to be a visiting teacher. It has been a serious treat. These girls are so great. I love them!! I feel like it was inspired as to which girls I get to visit. I mean, we've only visited a couple of times, because I haven't been here long, but I've enjoyed it. I feel like we are becoming real friends. Thank goodness for visiting teaching. :) I've also been listening to conference talks in the morning...and its a great way to start the day.
3. Physical: Oh dear, I miss having a gym!!! Seriously dude. Right now, or for the last 5 months or so, I've been turning on fun music and dancing around....but that is like, the workout I do when there is nothing else to do....its fun, but my knees are killing me haha. There is only so much you can do...I NEED A GYM!!!! AAAHH!!! plus, its so freezing outside there is no way I'm going to ride my bike....dang bay area!! Too bad a gym membership is 300 dollars....yikes. Not to mention it requires travel to the gym. Sigh...those of you in Provo don't know how good you have it as far as everything being in one place until you move away!
4. Work: I START A NEW JOB TODAY!! I am going to be a part-time nanny in addition to my other job at the ambulance company. I am SOOOO EXCITED!!! I love kids. They are so fun. :) WoohoOO!!!!!
Speaking of....time to get going on the day. Have a good one! Here are more pics:
1. Social:
Well, I am dating Rob and he is so kind and so good. I am so grateful for this experience :) I feel like where I am rough, he is smooth. We will see where it goes. He looks like a Jewish boy with that hair, but he's not. lol.
At church I've also been getting to know people. I realized how I was not really liking the social atmosphere, and I realized the other day again how important it is to look at people the way the Lord looks at them. That has been my goal lately: to try to look at others with an eternal perspective so I can develop love and charity in my heart for them. It seems like any time we are unhappy about something (besides abuse, etc) a lot of it has to do with our own attitudes. I actually went to FHE on Monday....and that is a big deal for me haha! Just because I have loved being home so much that I haven't wanted to go anywhere. Of course, it helped that Rob went, and he asked me if I was going, and I didn't give him a straight answer, and he was like "ok thats cool! well have a good night, im on my way to FHE! (speaking of which, he has to take the bus everywhere so it took him like an hour to get there....I thought I could probably sacrifice a little time to go.)
2. Church/Spiritual: I got called as the ward Data Entry Specialist. I know, I know. It's totally a made up calling. I just enter in the callings, keep them straight. It doesn't require much. haha...BUT, I am happy to say I get to be a visiting teacher. It has been a serious treat. These girls are so great. I love them!! I feel like it was inspired as to which girls I get to visit. I mean, we've only visited a couple of times, because I haven't been here long, but I've enjoyed it. I feel like we are becoming real friends. Thank goodness for visiting teaching. :) I've also been listening to conference talks in the morning...and its a great way to start the day.
3. Physical: Oh dear, I miss having a gym!!! Seriously dude. Right now, or for the last 5 months or so, I've been turning on fun music and dancing around....but that is like, the workout I do when there is nothing else to do....its fun, but my knees are killing me haha. There is only so much you can do...I NEED A GYM!!!! AAAHH!!! plus, its so freezing outside there is no way I'm going to ride my bike....dang bay area!! Too bad a gym membership is 300 dollars....yikes. Not to mention it requires travel to the gym. Sigh...those of you in Provo don't know how good you have it as far as everything being in one place until you move away!
4. Work: I START A NEW JOB TODAY!! I am going to be a part-time nanny in addition to my other job at the ambulance company. I am SOOOO EXCITED!!! I love kids. They are so fun. :) WoohoOO!!!!!
Speaking of....time to get going on the day. Have a good one! Here are more pics:
My last day of classes in December:
Our dog Taco..he's hilarious....
My dad at the top of the stairs we climb...he WAS doing the Pee Wee Herman dance but he stopped before I got the pic:
My Grandpa, who is very sick and probably won't make it much longer. :( I dont know why everyone is passing away...OH...PS...my Aunt Ramona passed away a few weeks ago. :( So since Ive been back, my uncle Eric (my moms brother), my cousin Christamae (my moms sister's daughter), and my Aunt Ramona (my mom's sister) have all passed away. And soon it will be this guy (my dad's dad): I am so grateful to be home right now.
My sweet Grandma June:
Me and Danielle, Christamae's sister:
Kaitlin:
Christamae's funeral:
1.02.2013
Terrified!
So, Maybe I am melodramatic sometimes, but sometimes I really don't like dating people simply for the reason of being terrified that something horrible is going to happen. lol...And something horrible being something like cheating, or abuse, or bad habits being picked up in the future, or whatever. It's so heartbreaking when that stuff happens, and I think I act like a crazy person sometimes because I am so scared of it happening. Does that happen to any of you ladies, too? I really do try to be positive, and try to have faith that nothing is going to go wrong...but it seems like something DOES always happen, and that breaks my heart.
But I am dating this guy who is great. Simply great. And I know my own failings, and I know that if any guy started to RESENT me for those failings and/or want me to be different, he would not be so happy in the relationship....and who knows what he would end up doing. Cheating is probably the scariest thing in the world. It's like, even if he has a friend who is a girl, and seems to really enjoy being around her, or talks to her often, I am like "oh no....commence backing off now...if he isn't going to enjoy being around me as much as he enjoys being around her, well...I don't know about this one...she is so (fill in the blank)...and I am not good at that!!" Or, the crazy behaviors.....stalking, twisting everything he says,hiring a private investigator....(ok just kidding). When that fear starts to creep in, I don't know what to do with myself. I hate it!!!
And what is difficult too is trying to find peace with the fact that no one is perfect. And I hope that whoever I end up with can love me for my fears, for my wants, for my craziness, for my lack of patience with him, for my desire to have an awesome family...I just want someone who will honestly be my best friend, and someone I can trust COMPLETELY. I hope to also be trustworthy... When you start to really fall for someone, you start to get scared that you are going to lose them. I have had guys who have been my best friend, best friend in the whole world, favorite person to talk to....but when it comes down to having a romantic relationship with them, that never happened. I imagine that switching into relationship mode with that guy would have thrown me into a tizzy as well. It's a whole new spin on things...because you want so badly to know that they aren't going anywhere, and that they won't EVER go anywhere. But when your best friend does something stupid, its like, "oh, well, its not like we are married..(or).its not like I have to worry about him doing this in front of the kids..(or)....its not like I have the right to expect him to be all mine...(or)...well we can still talk to each other and be friends." Oh no, it is an entirely different level of trust. And THAT, my friend, is what creates MORE issues. If a friend cheats on his girlfriend, you can probably say "well that was dumb, why did you do that? And hey, are we still down to getting a burger tonight?" It's not like he did it to YOU.
Sigh......does EVERY girl fear this kind of a thing?? If so what do you do about it??
Love,
Shayna
But I am dating this guy who is great. Simply great. And I know my own failings, and I know that if any guy started to RESENT me for those failings and/or want me to be different, he would not be so happy in the relationship....and who knows what he would end up doing. Cheating is probably the scariest thing in the world. It's like, even if he has a friend who is a girl, and seems to really enjoy being around her, or talks to her often, I am like "oh no....commence backing off now...if he isn't going to enjoy being around me as much as he enjoys being around her, well...I don't know about this one...she is so (fill in the blank)...and I am not good at that!!" Or, the crazy behaviors.....stalking, twisting everything he says,hiring a private investigator....(ok just kidding). When that fear starts to creep in, I don't know what to do with myself. I hate it!!!
And what is difficult too is trying to find peace with the fact that no one is perfect. And I hope that whoever I end up with can love me for my fears, for my wants, for my craziness, for my lack of patience with him, for my desire to have an awesome family...I just want someone who will honestly be my best friend, and someone I can trust COMPLETELY. I hope to also be trustworthy... When you start to really fall for someone, you start to get scared that you are going to lose them. I have had guys who have been my best friend, best friend in the whole world, favorite person to talk to....but when it comes down to having a romantic relationship with them, that never happened. I imagine that switching into relationship mode with that guy would have thrown me into a tizzy as well. It's a whole new spin on things...because you want so badly to know that they aren't going anywhere, and that they won't EVER go anywhere. But when your best friend does something stupid, its like, "oh, well, its not like we are married..(or).its not like I have to worry about him doing this in front of the kids..(or)....its not like I have the right to expect him to be all mine...(or)...well we can still talk to each other and be friends." Oh no, it is an entirely different level of trust. And THAT, my friend, is what creates MORE issues. If a friend cheats on his girlfriend, you can probably say "well that was dumb, why did you do that? And hey, are we still down to getting a burger tonight?" It's not like he did it to YOU.
Sigh......does EVERY girl fear this kind of a thing?? If so what do you do about it??
Love,
Shayna
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