Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk

Today is a stay at home day. :)  I was nauseous all night and woozy in the morning, and now I have all these aches and pains and a fever...so....just hanging out!

Anyone ever get emotional when you feel sick? I feel like such a crybaby today....its the weirdest thing.

This last weekend Rob and I went to Santa Cruz :) It was a blast...and probably where I picked up a bug!  (ironic that I was using hand sanitizer the whole time...and when I was a kid I used to lick the banisters in San Francisco at Pier 39 and never get sick....go figure!)

Oh well!

It was Rob's first time at the Boardwalk!! I was so surprised he had never been!  

 "Flirty"

 Foosball Champ..and I am the worst player ever. He let me win 2 of them.

Hunter Hayes, please sing to me....

Well, it has been awhile.

I am still not engaged, and that is a-ok.  I am finding that there are a TON of emotions that need to be worked through in this whole process.  I hope Rob is okay with me taking that time.

1. It is really hard to let go of old things.  Really difficult...especially past loves. (There is also a letting go of the "freedom" of being single...we suddenly cannot flirt with every cute guy we see, nor can we feel like we are totally awesome because we get a lot of attention from other guys because we show them our best face all the time...we have to face ourselves a lot more as everything we do now affects someone else.  Its truly a mourning process.) Not only past loves, but expectations and the things you have imagined up in your head all your life about what your future spouse is going to be like. And sometimes when you thought you had the right one, the one that really lights you up, the one you "click" with the most, your 'best friend' ...they don't want you back.  So you have to let that one go and let yourself be excited about someone else...if possible. And it may never be the same.and I don't know if those feelings ever really go away. Maybe it takes awhile.  And I am going to say that is not Peter we are talking about...and Peter, if you are reading this, because I know you will...PLEASE...let me go.  It is never going to happen.  I am sorry, I know that is hard to hear, but I can see who reads my blog.  Please let me go, for your own sake. Take me off of your bar at the top of the screen...cause all you will want to do is click on it and read it and keep yourself crazy....its NOT EVER going to happen.

2.  I have been going pen-crazy. Anyone else love pens? For crying out loud....there are so many I can't fit them into my little pen bucket.  All sorts of colors....Because I LOVE having lots of colors in a journal :)...and in a notebook, and in a planner...and in birthday cards....FANTASTIC!!

3. School is starting on 29th for me...Yippee!! I am stoked.  IT was expensive but...I am so glad I get to start going back again. Driving is going to be a royal pain but.....Ugh....at least I get to learn stuff. Ü

4.  Hunter Hayes....I love you.....you touch my heartstrings!! I know you look like you are 15 but still...

5. And I know this is a very Mormon thing to say but...I want to get into photography :)  It totally fits my personality...love it...

6. Along with photography I have been buying Wedding books....because I think it would be way fun to be a wedding planner!  I don't even know where to start though :)  I guess reading those books is a good start :) 

7.  The things we value in people seem to really change as we get older.  Rob isn't the most "fun"..."playful"..."goofy"....etc guy...but he is very committed, loyal, loving, kind, humble, heartfelt, transparent....and he isn't lacking in those other things, but he isn't exactly brimming over with them either.  He kind of reminds me of the guy on "Love Comes Softly"...so when I see that movie, it makes me appreciate him more because I think to myself.."Oh man..that guy is awesome..I'd marry him!! Oh wait...he's a lot like Rob :)"  (though a good sense of hilarity is definitely needed more often than not....hopefully that comes...lol) 

Feeling Better :) Now....Help me pick one!

First of all, I want to thank ALL of you for your comments!!  Totally helped. :)  

Last night me and Rob had a little talk...and he said, "Shayna, what if I snapped my fingers right now and we were married?  How would that change things?"

What a brilliant man.  This question may not have worked in any other relationship I have had....or perhaps it would not have gotten the same results...but when I thought about it, I realized that if we were married (not that I've been married before)...but we would already BE MARRIED....so that means whatever freak outs I'd be having about marriage BEFORE marriage wouldn't really be feasable because they wouldn't STOP anything. I'd already be IN a marriage with him.  The worries I have now are not really things that are definitely going to happen, nor have they really been big issues NOW!  When I am with him, I feel great.  And it was honestly a miracle the way we got together! Ask my Utah friends..I did NOT want to go. I was so sad!!  I loved Utah so much!!!  Now, talking to my family, talking to those who know us, and also searching the feelings in MY heart, it just makes sense. :)  He is such an amazing guy and I appreciate him so much more as time goes by.  Of course there are things that I struggle with....I mean, no one is gonna be perfect.  But maybe it is those so-called "imperfections" that compliment My imperfections so very well.

It's not like this huge beam of light has hit me, its not like an overwhelming experience, in fact it is prettymuch like a little seed.  What do they say about little seeds?  Oh yes, if planted, it will grow.  And if I am rejecting the little seed, it isn't the seed's fault that it isn't growing.  It is my fault for not having good ground and letting it in.  And when seeds grow, there are oftentimes little weeds that get in the way, too.  I mean, unless its in a Martha Stewart catalog....which, lets face it, NOTHING I have ever done or created looks quite like Martha can do it.  But its fun to try.

So....which one do you like better? (PS....there isn't actually a wedding on at this moment...but a girl likes to start thinking, right???)

Apple Orchard Colors: 

Teals: 

Orange and Green: 

Yellows and Greys: 

  

Corals/Greys:

Navy and Lime:

Fall colors with Green Accents:

Ready? Go! 

Ugh...I don't understand.

Okay, okay.  So....Rob and I have been talking about getting married.  He is such a sweetheart, and when we get to talking about how we really feel and everything, I feel way closer to him and think he is fantastic.

And yet, last night, right before going into institute, I get this sick feeling come over me.  It was enough that I could not disguise, and Rob asked me what is up.  Tracing my thought processes, I had initially been listening to the lesson on Obedience by President Monson from Conference.  Then I got to thinking about whether or not I could handle Polygamy. For some reason, this has been uber on my mind lately. Maybe discussing eternal marriage does that, because I don't know HOW on earth I am supposed to populate a planet all by myself.  That's crazy.  Anyway, could I be obedient if we were asked to do polygamy?  I asked Rob if he would re-marry if we did get married and I died, and he said he would do what God told him to do.  Psh...cop-out answer, right?  I mean, how do I argue with that.  "I've never really thought about polygamy, so, I don't know...I mean, I wouldn't want to...."  Anyway, my mind got to thinking about it all, and out of the blue I got this really gross feeling inside.  Me and Rob talked about it, and I dismissed it as my thought process freaking me out....

But then, this morning, after I felt like we had talked it out, I woke up to that feeling again. And I hadn't even been thinking about Rob or polygamy or anything nonsensical...lol..  And then I felt like it didn't have to do with polygamy, but it certainly made me question if marrying Rob is the right thing to do.  And it felt peaceful at the same time.  Peaceful and sick....how on earth??  Peaceful that maybe it isn't right....and almost clear as a bell....and I've heard of people not feeling right about it and then feeling right about it later....which is so confusing to me lol.  I felt prompted to move out here. So did he. My patriarchal blessing would TOTALLY make sense in this scenario....seriously.....and when I met him I got that feeling, you know, that FEELING...

What I don't understand here is....Why would I feel like that?  Did any of you ladies get that feeling before you married your man?  Is it just because marriage is scary before you jump in? Am I going through the typical grieving process?  Is this normal?  I mean, we literally talked about a date....and how cute it would be to pick that date because it was the day of our FIRST date.  And that is in about 3 1/2 months....And then, all of a sudden, I am getting these feelings.  I've always been scared, like most people I'd say...but how do I know if this is the Lord telling me to STOP?