I was reading the other day...or maybe it was in a talk or something......but it got me thinking. The person who said it was talking about how we can feel full, how we can really be full of light, which makes us really happy and things just go the way they should...and no matter what way that is, its good and you can trust in it.....I hope that makes sense, but anyway it was what I needed to hear..
But what they said was that if our eyes are single to the glory of God, then our whole selves will be filled with light. I know that is a scripture that we hear a million times, and at one point in my life I remember really using it as my guide, but lately I've found myself kind of floundering, feeling way off course and just stumped, not knowing what on earth to do with my life and such, feeling empty and just overwhelmed with feelings of stagnation and lack of direction, trying to fill in gaps of unhappiness with random things that don't matter, like maybe shopping a lot (I tend to do that when I am unhappy..haha...not so good), or whatever the case may be--I think we all do it in one way or another, like when our main goals in life are to make a million dollars or to look good wherever we go, or at least be exceedingly focused on that.....worldly and vain things really! but these things don't even fulfill in the least, it just makes us more unhappy.
I know we all get to that point sometimes, and I try so hard to put on this face of having everything together, but in all reality life is not perfect and I am not perfect and don't always have it together, and I have bad and hard days, but when I actually come to the Lord in prayer and tell Him all of this, and tell Him that I am not happy and that I don't like my life right now and I dont want to smile (haha) and that I really don't want to keep trying to have faith, and that I dont feel like offering those prayers full of gratitude and never asking for blessings, what does He do? He doesn't say "you are an evil wicked daughter of mine, why can't you have more faith, keep going, you have to be happy all the time or else you are not a good example! ", but rather, I feel like He understands me, even when no one else in the world does, or when I am afraid to tell anyone because I am afraid they will think I am weird. haha....and that is when He catches me and gives me glimpses of peace and love. He doesn't take it away, but He gives me tender mercies, little things that show me that I am not alone in this world. Sometimes we really can't handle things by ourselves, as much as I want to and as much as I get frusterated that I am not a perfect person fit to be a great leader of many nations or someone like Ghandi or whatever...
But I am coming to find that I, as are we all, are strongest when we just can't do it anymore by ourselves and when we turn to the Lord, when we really do put our whole eyes towards Him. I still don't understand why we have to be so weak and Him so strong, or how on earth I am ever going to get stronger if I always have to rely on Him to carry me, but maybe what I think of as strength really isn't strength at all, but pride.
Maybe part of this realization came from watching Bride Wars yesterday (haha! such a funny movie!!!!!....there is one bad scene though...dang why did they have to ruin it! I totally recommend it....just close your eyes during the bachelorette party.....or wait til it comes out on DVD and skip that scene! ) But anyway, one of the girls, the brides, is a lawyer, always on top of things in life, always getting her way, very stubborn, never showing emotion or mercy or whatever, but she just kind of pushes her way through life, going after whatever she wants, even if it means stepping all over her best friends' toes. Then at the end, she realizes that she doesn't always have to be right, and she cries, and cries, and cries, and she hates it, and she tells her fiance how much she has realized she is wrong, and he is so sweet--he tells her that its okay that she is human, that he would rather marry a human anyway ;) and he says he loves her, even when she is stubborn and impatient and selfish--and I thought--you know what? its okay to be human and have bad days, our Heavenly Father still loves us, and is there to scoop up the pieces of our shattered hard-shelled heart, and then mold the softened pieces of our hearts into something better.
Anyways, this is super long....so I will refrain from saying anything else, but just know that things do get better in life, and I know this, and even if they don't at least these bad days are reminders that we really do have Someone that cares and understands. :) Even when we don't want to "keep smiling" hehe. ;)
This week was also very special, in that I was able to do my grandma's temple work! This really is special, she lived a very devoted Catholic life, and didn't like Mormonism because we don't drink...lol. She passed away two years ago. What a feisty, incredibly loving individual. She was 4 feet and a few inches tall, born in Naples, Italy. She was a war bride who met my grandpa, an American solider, in Italy, and moved to California shortly after my dad was born. She had so much love to give and spent hours and hours each week volunteering at a hospital in San Francisco. I have no doubt the Lord is putting her to work :)
