I revert back to my "List". This isn't the list created in Young Womens, oh no, this is the list collected after having several dating experiences and coming to realize what I want. Anyone interested in reading it, I'll put it up here, feel free to ignore it if you want:
Playful, yet able to settle down and be serious when the time is right
Puts the Lord first
Sense of humor
Cares about me and really wants me to be happy. Selfish? Maybe. But I think thats how it should be, and you should both be more concerned about the other person than yourself.
Values his relationships with his family and with his future spouse as the most important relationships he will have
Attuned to how he feels and how those around him feel, and able to handle those feelings in a mature way
· Can separate his feelings from his thoughts and step back from situations instead of getting all heated about them
· Friendly, warm, affectionate and outgoing
· Responsible
· Has passions in life and goes for them
· Loves his mom and sisters and treats them well
· Reaches out a hand to be a friend to all those around him
· Tries to get to know people
· Someone you can have deep conversations with without bogging you down
· Has a positive outlook on life
· Has a great faith in God and in the Atonement
· High standards—but not the kind of person that judges others or can’t relate to others
· Someone who will never have pornography problems and who keeps his mind clean and virtuous
· Realistic and grounded
· Sincere in all that he does
· Humble
· Someone who doesn’t seek attention for the sake of selfishness
· ….Unselfish
So Someone I could talk to for a long time, be myself around, and feel happier and uplifted and light when I'm around him
· Kind
· Honest in all things
· Able to make and keep commitments and promises
· Confident and decisive
· Takes others’ opinions into consideration but has opinions of his own as well without being stubborn about them
· Physically active and preferably stronger than me…haha J
· LOVES to LAUGH! (not that annoying, constant, everything-has-to-be-a-joke, but how instead of worrying and groaning and complaining, he can laugh about things, laugh at himself, and laugh with others)
· Has good relationships with his family members
· Isn’t controlling
Go Good at self control-very important, but not to the point where he becomes controlling of others and tries to control things that are out of his control.
· Knows who he is and is himself in every situation
· Can pull me out of my shell because we are such good friends and I can just be myself around him without feeling guarded in any way.
· Manliness
NNow, call this list dumb, but you know you have one too! I don't think my list is a bad list. But at the same time sometimes I wonder how much my list interferes with my dating choices. And sometimes I wonder what needs to be crossed out, and if this person even exists. Logic versus emotion, the ever-going battle.
Well, it is hereby way stinking late....So, I am going to get off of blogger now and be a good girl. And I am also going to miss all my friends leaving! What a crazy day.
9 comments:
One thing my parents told me was to look at the qualities I wanted in a guy and put them on myself - see if I could 100%, in every situation I expected the boy to, act in the exact same way I wanted him to. The truth is, I could think of plenty of situations where I had already let myself down at one time or another in those areas that were important to me in my future man. It was an eye-opener for me.
Haha, I don't know, maybe it's because I'm already married, but I think of every time I could have broken up with Danny (or he have broken up with me!) because of how stupid we sometimes were, and it scares me. The one "list" item I really ever had was - Did he make me want to be a better person? Sure, sometimes we got angry, we got close to ending it before we got serious several times, but that's a feeling, for me at least, that sticks with you.
The thing is, you're not going to automatically know if he's right. After I was engaged, I called my mom up, because even after almost 2 years of dating I was terrified about what I was doing. I said, "But Mom, I don't know if it's the right thing." She told me, "Then you make it the right thing". And that's true for everything in life. You have a choice on whether something is the right thing for you or not.
Wow, hahaha, loooooong comment. Sorry :)
Rachel! Those are such wise words. Thank you! I am gonna have to ponder them awhile, such wisdom :) thanks girl!
YAY for bloggers!! :)
What an intimidating list (from the guy's perspective). It is certainly more difficult to approach a girl who has taken such a scientific approach to boyfriend/husband selection.
BTW, Shayna, this is exactly what I meant when I said that some of your blog posts were very revealing about how you think, and what you think about. Perhaps the most intriguing element: Manliness. What do you mean by that?
Anyway, my main point is that this list is certainly something that a man may aspire to become, but hardly what any young man already is... take Unselfish, for instance - do you mean perfectly unselfish? If not, what degree of unselfishness are you looking for?
Finally, what man, knowing your requirements, could approach you? He would have to have a very high opinion of himself, except that he would also have to be humble.
And yet I am drawn to you, like a moth to a flame - a beautiful, bright, and fascinating flame - and certainly I fear for my safety!
Dear Mr. Unknown,
You are a glutton for punishment. hahaha :) The things I am about to say may be a little bit strong so please don't be offended, I am just trying to be honest.
I wouldn't call it "scientific", I have known people like this, and yes these are the types of people that I'm attracted to. I know the perfect person doesn't exist, but I admire the person who is trying day by day to improve himself and isn't afraid to make corrections.
We learn from Ezra Taft Benson in his talk on pride that humility does not mean that you don't have a high opinion of yourself.
This is what I mean by humility (taken from the talk by Benson..actually the whole talk is what I am referring to, but these are just parts of it):
"Our enmity toward God (aka pride) takes on many labels, such as rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers. The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren’t interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s."
"Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them. (See Hel. 6:17; D&C 58:41.)
"The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” ...
"The scriptures testify that the proud are easily offended and hold grudges. (See 1 Ne. 16:1–3.) They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings.
"The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. (See Prov. 15:10; Amos 5:10.) Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures. (See Matt. 3:9; John 6:30–59.).."
"Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?"
Now, I know for sure that this is something we are ALL striving to achieve and that it probably takes a lifetime, if not more, to conquer. I am not saying I am perfect at this, but this LIST is something that someone is aspiring to. I myself aspire to this list, and strive to become it. ...
Part 2:
It isn't where we are at, but who we are becoming. Of course they say that light attracts light, virtue attracts virtue...and if two people are trying their best and BECOMING, and facing the same direction, then they probably will enjoy one another. I'm not so sure I am at that point with you, Mr. Unknown...And this is why. I will be honest, when I was a kid I took an IQ test and the score was pretty high. They said I could go to college if I wanted at the age of 10. My mom used to brag about how "smart" I was, and that knowledge made me feel like I was better than those around me, and that they were pretty stupid and did "unintelligent" things. I pitted myself against them often. I felt I was most always correct. (and that is when I was oftentimes wrong, because they had reasons for doing things that I hadn't previously thought of.)
I am not saying this to brag by all means, but one thing that I've learned in the last few years is that I do NOT know everything. How foolish I was and how un-Christlike to think that way. I cannot make assumptions that I know what people are thinking or why they are doing certain things. For goodness sake...oftentimes people's motivations are pure based on their thought process, but what comes out in their actions doesn't seem to reflect what they are thinking when they did it. It's just a matter of figuring out why they are acting that way--maybe they don't understand their worth, maybe they were trained by their parents to do things a certain way, maybe they just don't know any better because they don't understand the Truth as it really is. Then it is the Christlike thing to do to lovingly help them realize it, not because they are annoying us by their actions but because they are not going to be happy. And yes, people willfully rebel, it is true. And people say things they don't mean. But Christ would never stop loving them--He would fix the problem at its root. And the problem isn't usually "I hate the Lord and don't want to follow Him". It's usually something that sprung from a deep pain....
Part 3:
And making assumptions is always dangerous in relationships...ha. It causes so many communication problems! Nor does it give someone the chance to be who they really are, because its like saying "oh, I already know what you are thinking and feeling" and you may be completely wrong.
I have also been blessed with the spirit of discernment, which has gotten me out of lots of potentially dangerous situations, to which I owe the Lord everything. But I do not claim that I know how people are feeling or what they are thinking. In fact many times when I have thought that I knew, I have been wrong. Many times I have been right. But it is very cocky to make assumptions. (And "perhaps" this entire response is a big assumption, which please correct me if I am wrong. I am just saying the way that certain individuals are coming across ;) )
As far as "manliness" goes, I suppose I should take that word off of there, because all that I am describing here is in my opinion true manliness. It is nice to have the lumberjack type of guy--someone strong and protective. Maybe that is what I meant by manliness when I wrote this awhile back.
And unselfishness is a characteristic that we should all be striving to perfect. Selfishness ruins marriages and relationships, and I for one don't want to ruin something so precious.
You mentioned something about "if your mom hadn't taken those chances and made those mistakes then you nor your siblings would have been born"--which is true,and we have discussed that as a family many times. And I am glad I have my siblings, however, I don't want to have to go through multiple marriages. I want something that is going to last forever, and I want someone who isn't just in it for the "lets try out this marriage thing and if it doesn't work then we will chalk it up to experience" kind of an attitude. I don't think that is what you meant when you said it, but these qualities that we are talking about some of the vital elements that keep a relationship going, which is why I seek for them in myself and in a companion.
Anways this is a long response, I don't even know if you will get it, but hopefully it isn't hateful or taken in the wrong way.
:)
I'm glad you identified pride so well for me, since now you cannot accuse me of being prideful in claim: I feel that I hold up to the list pretty well. I either match or strive to exemplify every item on that list. Much of what attracted me to you in the first place can be found on that list; I perceived that you were the kind of person who strives with a pure heart (which sums up much of that list, since those who strive with a pure heart will certainly seek for all the virtues you have enumerated).
I hope you leave manliness on the list, since I'm certainly strong and protective :)
When I was seven years old, I too took an IQ test... with somewhat similar results. I spent many years coming to the understanding that while my intelligence is certainly an asset, it is also indicates a responsibility that God has given me to work for my fellow man. I hope to not disappoint God in using my gifts to serve those around me; much of my ability to serve stems from my intelligence. I hope you don't take my assurance of my intelligence as arrogance; I probably just want you to think I'm smart so that you'll find me more attractive.
When I said that the list is intimidating, there were a couple of reasons behind that statement. First, the mere fact that you have such a detailed list indicates the degree of scrutiny with which you analyze each prospective suitor. Certainly not every girl will subject men to such study; when faced with a girl who does, a man cannot help but feel his task in winning her over is that much more challenging. Second, no man is perfect - so we cannot measure up to a list which includes elements of perfection. In writing the list, you had not indicated that "striving" could perhaps qualify a man as kind, or humble, or unselfish. While we can strive for these qualities, we cannot yet claim perfection - and may not in this lifetime. Third, another reason for saying this list is intimidating is the frustration I feel in approaching you. To me, the goodness of your heart is clear and the attraction is strong; however, you put up barriers and want me to take it slow. I cannot help but feel that a list such as this is part of the reason for the slowness.
Please don't take my response as an attack on your list. I have tremendous respect for your standards, difficult to live up to as they may be. When we discussed the Myers-Briggs test, I mentioned a bit about the difference between Judging (J) and Perceiving (P). A J will make a list, then move slowly and deliberately. A P will make a quick observation then act. Each approach has its strengths and weaknesses. As an INTP it is not surprising that I made my mind up long ago (always reserving the right to change it), while you, as an INFJ, are still considering. But it can be frustrating at times.
I love that you have strong, well thought out opinions. I find the willingness to own up to and defend your opinions very attractive, and altogether too uncommon in women. I seek for someone I can be equally yoked with. This certainly requires a bolder sort of woman.
I'm glad you're amused, Erin. We do all of this for your entertainment :)
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