More Thinking. Cause That's what I do Best!

Today I have come to the same realization that I oftentimes have to realize time and time again.

Do you ever have illusions of yourself in your mind of the kind of person you would like to be?  Tall, gregarious, tan, world traveller, intensely passionate, yet perfectly practical--the kind of person everyone loves, and who loves everyone?  Big, white, perfect teeth, with a smile that lights up the entire room....(you know, like Julia Roberts, mixed with Salma Hayek, and Jessica Alba, maybe with some sweet sass like Meg Ryan...forgive the celebrity references...Friendly, sweet, outgoing, sincere, assertive, and confident.

I myself have these illusions...not that it's wrong, per se, to have desires to become something breathtakingly perfect....but I have to admit...I mean...I'm BARELY 5'3, I'm definitely white (not passionately Latin, sorry to generalize..but I'm talking about the image of those girls mixed together here...and something exotic comes to mind...not white and sunburned...)...always felt like the awkward kid on the playground (yes, I walked around the flower beds in 3rd grade picking apart the leaves and thinking how cool all the veins looked...while letting the snails crawl all over me. I was a weirdo.  No wonder I had a group of maybe 3 friends who were all just like me, and all of us got made fun of...hmm.....)

I have ordered 2 books in the last week! 2!  What would I do with my time if I had all the time in the world?  Probably go for a walk and read a book.  I would clean my house, probably reorganize something.  Id enjoy a quiet evening with my family in front of the TV.  Or joking around...maybe sitting out on the porch or eating junk food. (thats the best.)  But we are all nerds so other people might find our jokes kind of quirky...so when I get into the world outside, well...back to the book.  ;)

The trouble with all of this is that I typically LIKE the guys who are more outgoing and confidant than I.  Yet, they tell you that you marry someone like yourself.  I don't want someone as boring as I am!! NO!! I REFUSE!!! ....but I feel so awkward around guys that are more outgoing than I am. Why?  Because I feel this pressure to be the outgoing, happy, flirty, kind of a thing.  There's always this internal battle.  Because that person really is in there, but she only comes out occassionally...

So, whoever you are future husband, I hope you can deal with my back and forth personality.  I really hope so.  Just so you know, my heart is very steady...though I may be a little bit chameleon-like in my personality.  Some may say this is because I have a "gemini rising" (according to my step-mom...but probably not complete truth. ;)  ) ("the twins"--often perceived as having 2 sides of their personality, and the rising sign is how people perceive you.  There is your astrology lesson for the day.)

Basically, I am not the girl I imagine would be the perfect kind of girl.  And that is a struggle for me...which is silly because I know deep down I can be that person. What is lacking..maybe confidence.  But the Lord gave me other characteristics, and I suppose I can be of use with those. :)  Now its learning how to accept that and move forward so I CAN become more of who I want to become.  :)  I just hope I find a guy that compliments that...and can also deal with the quirkiness, and my quietness, and my zoning out because sometimes I just can't handle all this . ;)