So, Maybe I am melodramatic sometimes, but sometimes I really don't like dating people simply for the reason of being terrified that something horrible is going to happen. lol...And something horrible being something like cheating, or abuse, or bad habits being picked up in the future, or whatever. It's so heartbreaking when that stuff happens, and I think I act like a crazy person sometimes because I am so scared of it happening. Does that happen to any of you ladies, too? I really do try to be positive, and try to have faith that nothing is going to go wrong...but it seems like something DOES always happen, and that breaks my heart.
But I am dating this guy who is great. Simply great. And I know my own failings, and I know that if any guy started to RESENT me for those failings and/or want me to be different, he would not be so happy in the relationship....and who knows what he would end up doing. Cheating is probably the scariest thing in the world. It's like, even if he has a friend who is a girl, and seems to really enjoy being around her, or talks to her often, I am like "oh no....commence backing off now...if he isn't going to enjoy being around me as much as he enjoys being around her, well...I don't know about this one...she is so (fill in the blank)...and I am not good at that!!" Or, the crazy behaviors.....stalking, twisting everything he says,hiring a private investigator....(ok just kidding). When that fear starts to creep in, I don't know what to do with myself. I hate it!!!
And what is difficult too is trying to find peace with the fact that no one is perfect. And I hope that whoever I end up with can love me for my fears, for my wants, for my craziness, for my lack of patience with him, for my desire to have an awesome family...I just want someone who will honestly be my best friend, and someone I can trust COMPLETELY. I hope to also be trustworthy... When you start to really fall for someone, you start to get scared that you are going to lose them. I have had guys who have been my best friend, best friend in the whole world, favorite person to talk to....but when it comes down to having a romantic relationship with them, that never happened. I imagine that switching into relationship mode with that guy would have thrown me into a tizzy as well. It's a whole new spin on things...because you want so badly to know that they aren't going anywhere, and that they won't EVER go anywhere. But when your best friend does something stupid, its like, "oh, well, its not like we are married..(or).its not like I have to worry about him doing this in front of the kids..(or)....its not like I have the right to expect him to be all mine...(or)...well we can still talk to each other and be friends." Oh no, it is an entirely different level of trust. And THAT, my friend, is what creates MORE issues. If a friend cheats on his girlfriend, you can probably say "well that was dumb, why did you do that? And hey, are we still down to getting a burger tonight?" It's not like he did it to YOU.
Sigh......does EVERY girl fear this kind of a thing?? If so what do you do about it??
Love,
Shayna
Oh Shayna bo Bayna :) I think you over think things. Yes, bad things can happen, but there is nothing you can do about it now. You have very little control over someone else's agency and what they may or may not do in the future. I actually am working on the same thing, only in regards to anything happening to my kids. Fear can totally overtake you when you start thinking of all the what ifs, but I am learning that living that way just takes away from all the joy, not to mention fear is the complete and total opposite of faith and its hard to feel the spirit when all those thoughts are going through your head. Anyway, just chill out and just have fun and hopefully the rest will fall into place. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI had that fear for a while - it got to be almost crippling. I couldn't figure out how to get around it for a long time. What Elaina said is what finally helped me be at peace with it:
ReplyDelete"You have very little control over someone else's agency and what they may or may not do in the future."
And it's true. Sometimes I have a really hard time with things I can't control. I think about that with my kids all the time, even though I don't have any yet. How can I control them and help them not make bad choices? But the fact is, I can't.
Also, I would try to stop worrying about it (which is hard). Worrying eats away at your happiness. And you know what - no matter how perfect your marriage is, bad things can still happen. You may marry the most wonderful person on the planet, and you're still going to get in that first fight, you still might wonder if you made the right choice, you're still going to get down on your knees and pray and work as hard as you can to make your marriage work. It isn't all honey and sugar, even for the best of marriages.
Marriage, no matter how long you've dated someone, is different. You can never expect how it's going to be until you're there. And you can't control what the other person does. It's a leap, it's a risk. And it is hard - work. There are trials and heartaches and worry and doubt and fear... but there's also a lot of love. A lot of kindness, a lot of humility, a lot of tenderness, of spirituality, of sacrifice, of growing closer to Heavenly Father and Christ.
The worrying doesn't stop. It just takes different forms over the years. It's how you learn to control it that determines your happiness and how much trust you can give to a person. That's the best advice I can give over the years of dating and marriage Danny and I have had. The bitter taste of the bad things that might happen can really make you appreciate the sweetness that much more.
First of all, I was exactly the same way Shayna. Terrified of anything and everything that "could" happen. Second of all, Congrats. Third of all, I WANT DETAILS. You'll have to PM me...whats his name, how'd you meet him, how long have you been dating him, pictures?!?!?!
ReplyDeleteGood Luck Girly! You deserve the best. ps: sure do miss you.
Oh Yes. This was me 5 years ago! I freaked out about guys doing dumb things all the time! Matter of fact, on Carman and I's first date I asked him if he was involved with pornography. Maybe a little upfront a little soon in the relationship... But after my questions, that for me I had to ask, I was at ease. I didn't have answers to everything but I had trust. I figure bad things can happen to anyone and even excellent people somehow end up doing bad things. Scary things that we hear about make us take precautions like never being alone w/someone of the opposite sex, keeping the computer in a public room of the house, etc. We figure if we never put ourselves in situations that could lead to bad choices, we'll be safer.
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