Being out of school and not having a job has given me quite a bit of time to reflect on things. A friend of mine was over here the other night, and he began discussing memories of his home town with a girl in our ward who had also come over. She is also from the same area in Idaho--a small, rural town with only 3000 people. I couldn't really add to the discussion because I didn't share in those memories, but as they were talking, my own mind got to reflecting on life in Oklahoma, where I grew up. When we moved from California to Oklahoma when I was nine, it seemed like the smallest, dingiest place to live. There was nothing to do, no palm trees, no big buildings, and it seemed that WalMart was the center of the town. On the other hand, it was in Oklahoma that my eyes opened for the first time. No longer was everyone around me competing for some kind of status--people were kind to one another and lived life simply--no frills, just the meat of what life is supposed to be. They had fun doing things like toilet papering each other's yards, or playing in the sprinklers, or climbing trees. I lived there for about nine years, until I moved to Utah to continue my education at BYU.
As I progressed through my education, theories and research became more complex and analytical, and soon my mind also melded to that environment. I loved every minute of it--my mind expanded in ways I never would have expected, and I could feel many strong inspirational moments as truth was revealed line upon line to my senses, and new understandings opened my spirit to more impressions. In the process, I gained a great deal of knowledge, or so I felt. Now that college is over, I have had a hard time adjusting to life in the real world--no longer am I living out of books--that is what I am having to tell myself. I have been trying to live out of books, trying to use the knowledge I gained to better understand the world around me, but instead of looking at the world around me first and digesting it, I have been trying to fit what I have learnead out of a book to what I am seeing in the world around me. As a result, I have been complicating things to the extreme. I haven't been very happy in that way--it is no wonder I love going home where my mind can reflect back to how life used to be--simple, where people are just who they are, not something to be analyzed all the time as if they are made up of tiny little pieces that need to be figured out.
I am grateful for my friends and that they had that discussion in my living room, even though I didn't really take part in it, I was definitley reflecting on what they were saying, and now I am realizing how puffed up my heart has become, how convoluted I try to make things when really they are what they are. I miss that, and realize that what really makes me happy in life is just living a simple life--I don't need to save the world, just be there for those around me, and do what I know is right. I realized that all I really want in life is to raise my little family, keep progressing--yes--but progressing not necessarily from books but from real life experiences. Yes, I want to keep learning and gaining my education, but I want to be a good wife and mom, I want to contribute to my ward and my community, to be a good neighboor and friend, to play on the trampoline and spray my husband with the sprinkler (and then give him a kiss on the cheek!), to hug my children tightly and rock them to sleep, to read bedtime stories and set up the tent in the backyard for little camping adventures, to make cookies and get flour all over the kitchen, to gossip and chat with the girls. :) I don't need endless business trips or a fancy house or a brand new car to make me happy, just the simple life. It is in the simple, humble things that we gain the most wisdom and knowledge and understanding.
Now, this doesn't mean I won't make things more complicated because that is what I tend to do naturally, over analyze and over think, but at least now I have recognized it in myself, and hopefully will be able to curb it a little better.
5.23.2008
Will Work for Something to Do...and Indiana Jones!
Ugh...I miss school, seriously. Its bad enough when you dont have a job and you have to sit around your apartment. Any ideas on stuff I could do? Maybe I'll go to the museum or something..I didn't think it was humanly possible to apply for this many jobs. Guess this means I'll be going back to school next fall! ;) A year from this coming fall that is.
So, I went to see Indiana Jones last night with a group of friends. It was AWESOME. Before the movie we were saying how they should mix Indiana Jones with Star Wars, and there it was...without Vader, sadly, but yes, there it was. ;) I really needed that, to get out and just have fun and witness what life is like in the outside world....my mind is slowly slipping away...aaah! i've been staring into the glass eyes too long........
So I was thinking about those glass eyes actually. I wonder if there is actually an ultimate knowledge? I mean, we know God is all-knowing, but as my friend Jeff pointed out, He has to still be progressing because otherwise He would be damned, right?? Interesting to think about. I guess it gives us something to look forward to in the next world--I guess we wont ever be bored if our minds are continually thirsting for truth and knowledge. Well I guess these ponderings are not going to be answered in this life. And I guess these are things that ought not to be discussed on a blog.
So, I went to see Indiana Jones last night with a group of friends. It was AWESOME. Before the movie we were saying how they should mix Indiana Jones with Star Wars, and there it was...without Vader, sadly, but yes, there it was. ;) I really needed that, to get out and just have fun and witness what life is like in the outside world....my mind is slowly slipping away...aaah! i've been staring into the glass eyes too long........
So I was thinking about those glass eyes actually. I wonder if there is actually an ultimate knowledge? I mean, we know God is all-knowing, but as my friend Jeff pointed out, He has to still be progressing because otherwise He would be damned, right?? Interesting to think about. I guess it gives us something to look forward to in the next world--I guess we wont ever be bored if our minds are continually thirsting for truth and knowledge. Well I guess these ponderings are not going to be answered in this life. And I guess these are things that ought not to be discussed on a blog.
5.11.2008
Winding Down
OK the fun in California is winding down and I am going home on Tuesday. It's been fun out here, I wish I could stay longer but at the same time I am about ready to get back to Utah and find a job. If anyone knows of any good jobs please let me know. Yeah I just posted like an hour ago, I know. :)
I am excited to hang out with my friends again too. aawww...hehe.
So since it is mothers day, my ward handed out flowers today to all the women 18 and older. I guess I had kind of shoved the thought of motherhood in the back of my head, but as I listened to real mothers talk in Church and listened to a couple of youth speaking, the reality hit me about the huge job it is to be a mother. I already knew that but being in Provo you don't really see it in action very much, and at least for me, I get kind of this ideological view of it and form my own opinions of what the perfect mother would look like and stuff. Of course I want to be a good mom, but I don't think motherhood is quite what we expect it to be before we become a mother ourselves. Its in all the tough stuff that we change into who we can become. We change into the mother we want to be not by being perfect before we start at it, but in learning, in being humbled, in getting barfed on and pooped on, in learning to not be a controlling person but a loving influence who sets boundaries. Oh that has got to be a challenge! I am already challenged enough with being the oldest in my family, I try to set limits and boundaries with my younger siblings, try to be like a second mom to them, but then I just get frusterated when they dont do it the way I like it done, and then I have to step back and say "now, Shayna, these girls are doing great. Look at all the qualities they have that you are impressed with! Look at how compassionate and kind and fun loving Courtney is. Look at how sincere and funny and serious too that Kaitlin is. These girls have a great potential, remember that!" Then my heart is softened and I start to really appreciate them and have fun with them. I hope I can be a good mom, I really do. ;) I hope my husband has patience with me and if I have a bad day doesn't think I am a crazy woman ;)
Whoa...is it really 50 degrees in Provo?? (ok i digress...my windows sidebar is telling me something I dont want to see!!)
Anyway, I love my mom and my grandma too! Why? Because they love me! And love is something that can only be seen to be felt, in my opinion! And by that I mean that it is an action word. Mothers sacrifice so much! What a great blessing it is to have an angel right there with you as you grow up, lifting you, training you, teaching you, humbling you!
I am excited to hang out with my friends again too. aawww...hehe.
So since it is mothers day, my ward handed out flowers today to all the women 18 and older. I guess I had kind of shoved the thought of motherhood in the back of my head, but as I listened to real mothers talk in Church and listened to a couple of youth speaking, the reality hit me about the huge job it is to be a mother. I already knew that but being in Provo you don't really see it in action very much, and at least for me, I get kind of this ideological view of it and form my own opinions of what the perfect mother would look like and stuff. Of course I want to be a good mom, but I don't think motherhood is quite what we expect it to be before we become a mother ourselves. Its in all the tough stuff that we change into who we can become. We change into the mother we want to be not by being perfect before we start at it, but in learning, in being humbled, in getting barfed on and pooped on, in learning to not be a controlling person but a loving influence who sets boundaries. Oh that has got to be a challenge! I am already challenged enough with being the oldest in my family, I try to set limits and boundaries with my younger siblings, try to be like a second mom to them, but then I just get frusterated when they dont do it the way I like it done, and then I have to step back and say "now, Shayna, these girls are doing great. Look at all the qualities they have that you are impressed with! Look at how compassionate and kind and fun loving Courtney is. Look at how sincere and funny and serious too that Kaitlin is. These girls have a great potential, remember that!" Then my heart is softened and I start to really appreciate them and have fun with them. I hope I can be a good mom, I really do. ;) I hope my husband has patience with me and if I have a bad day doesn't think I am a crazy woman ;)
Whoa...is it really 50 degrees in Provo?? (ok i digress...my windows sidebar is telling me something I dont want to see!!)
Anyway, I love my mom and my grandma too! Why? Because they love me! And love is something that can only be seen to be felt, in my opinion! And by that I mean that it is an action word. Mothers sacrifice so much! What a great blessing it is to have an angel right there with you as you grow up, lifting you, training you, teaching you, humbling you!
Off to California!
Well, here I am in California visiting my family. It's always wonderful being with family again. I love them with all my heart (wipes away tear from eye...;) ) no really, I do. It's always a struggle though, since they live all over the place and I am close to all of them, so when I come to visit I have to stay for quite some time. The first 3 days I spent with my mom and sisters, the next 3 days I spent with my cousins, aunt, uncle, and grandparents in Modesto, and right now I am at my dad's house in the bay area. I would have to say Modesto feels mostly like home for me, even though my dad has been living here since before I was born. My room at my dad's is no longer my room, piled with projects and various items belonging to my step-mom. The carpet is still pink (I chose that color when I was about 8), the walls are now mint green (yeah, I didnt pick that color haha), and I think my dad still has part of my growth chart written on the wall, haha.
I think it is going to be very difficult for me to think of moving with my future husband far far away somewhere where I know I wont get to see them as often. They are like an anchor for me and a great spiritual strength! I always feel more myself when I am with them, maybe it is because I know they will take care of me! Just sitting at home, not even talking to anyone, I just sit there and absorb the atmosphere and I feel like I am whole again! But of course I love talking to them too! Dont worry future honey, I will love you just as much ;) hehehe Well, I am talking to my Modesto family right now so I better get off here or else they will think I am boring cause I cant type and talk at the same time very well! bye!
I think it is going to be very difficult for me to think of moving with my future husband far far away somewhere where I know I wont get to see them as often. They are like an anchor for me and a great spiritual strength! I always feel more myself when I am with them, maybe it is because I know they will take care of me! Just sitting at home, not even talking to anyone, I just sit there and absorb the atmosphere and I feel like I am whole again! But of course I love talking to them too! Dont worry future honey, I will love you just as much ;) hehehe Well, I am talking to my Modesto family right now so I better get off here or else they will think I am boring cause I cant type and talk at the same time very well! bye!