Family is so important!

Sappy story time...

The other day, I was driving from my dad's house to my aunt's house so that I could go to class. While I was driving, I started imagining what life would be like without my daddy. (I know, depressing, right?)  But he is getting older, and every time I look at him, I remember what he used to look like not too long ago.  And then I think, "wow, my daddy is not going to live forever :( "  And I remember all of our good times and all of the times I am sure I hurt him and how I wish I would have handled things better, and then I start to get really sad because life is so short, and I have been away from home for so long, and I have missed out on being with these wonderful family members of mine for many years.  And they really do get older, and sicker, and life is so short.  And then as I proceeded to drive, I started to bawl imagining how I don't ever want to lose my daddy or my mom or anyone else because I love them so much.  And I was crying for like half the drive...that's an hour...lol...And I keep wishing my dad would have a change of heart about the Gospel and thinking the Eternal nature of families is great, if your loved ones accept all of it and are trying to live it.  It's great anyway, but I worry so much that my daddy won't ever accept it, and even if he gets to the other side, that he will struggle with it and he won't be with me.  :(  And now I am starting to cry again...haha.  You know those old questionairres that would float around via email that asked you things like "have you ever loved someone so much it made you cry"?  Well, I can tell you I can now answer that with a yes. ha. 

Oh folks. Family is so important.  And so easy to take for granted.  As I tucked my grandma into bed tonight (she is not feeling well today and had to get to bed early and put her oxygen on), she says, "I love you, sweetie. I wish I was young and beautiful again." Oh, Grandma, I wish I had your ability to love and to remember what is most important in life and to be as wise and unselfish as you. :)  

 Aunt Mona and my mom...Doctors are giving her maybe til Christmas if we are lucky....gosh I hate cancer.  :(  

OK Universe, what do you want? lol

You know, its like the Universe is trying to talk to me right now..but what is it SAYING!! lol.....skip this list if you don't wanna hear all my complaints again...haha

1. Severe stomach pains lead me to the ER....

2. Car is suddenly having all these problems..needed new tires, alignment, battery light came on, and now i think my transmission is acting up...

3. Woke up this morning, and my brand new tires got SLASHED by some vandal kids...had to miss my class for grad school....(my cousin's van also got the tires slashed. Come on people, they are handicapped and have a hard enough time getting around. :(  If there was an emergency, like if Christamae has a seizure, they are stuck in the house. NOT cool.)  I was about to go on a rampage.  

4. My aunt says, "Gee Shayna, I dont know if you can stay here much longer, your cousin might have to move back in with his wife and babies...." 

5. I can't find a full time job, and going back and forth from San Francisco is costing me tons of money in gas, but that seems to be the only place I can find a job...not to mention I feel good about going to that ward...(then again maybe I am wrong in that??)  .yet my grad program is up in Turlock, which is about an hour and a half from SF.  Yeah. 

6.  All these adjustments to moving back in with my family have been pretty rough.  It shouldn't be like this, but I think being away so long and getting used to being on my own has made me used to more autonomy.  I am grateful to be with family, though.....maybe I need to learn how to depend on other people besides myself. I feel so guilty for it though! (and my stuff is all over everyone's space.  I would not like that if I was them!) 

7.  I am so surprised at the downfall in values in California. Maybe being in Utah just made me more sensitive to it, but man oh man this world is definitely at its end, I would say. I'm scared to leave my car parked in the front yard. I would not doubt if the Second Coming happened in the next 50 years.  Not even joking......the scriptures are so right on in their prophecies!  In some ways it is kind of cool seeing it all happening, then again its also frightening in that I can't control it.  And I can't control it for my future kids either, nor can I control it when my friends fall off into roads that only lead to heartache.  :(  

ON another note, I did get to share some of the LDS beliefs with my cousin.  That was pretty fun, not that I am anticipating anything but for a kid who has been through rehab and all kinds of trouble, its really cool to let him know that there is a prophet on the earth today, and apostles,  and that the simple truths that were lost are restored.  I hope he at least checks out the website I sent to him. :)  He was interested in reading Conference....he wanted to hear what the prophet is saying. :)  

And I am really excited that Prince William and Kate are having a baby.  YES!!!

Adjusting to being home again...

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like you are doing everything wrong??

This girl right here already has a serious guilt complex....and moving in with the family has been fantastic, and a challenge at the same time.  I love my daddy to pieces....I can't even tell you how much I idolize him! I don't know what it is about little girls and their dads but it is true....:)  

Anyways, I think moving back home has been an adjustment for the both of us.  Case in point:  So, I have been feeling a little bit like I've been told how to do EVERYTHING....down to using the right knife to cut things up and where to set my toothbrush down in the bathroom. I am so terrified to make a wrong move...and I want so badly to help out around here because I am basically mooching off of my dad and his wife, right? I am sleeping in my dad's computer room, my shoes are in the floor because there isn't another spot for them, my clothes are in the hallway towel closet....

 So, I look around for things to do...and I try to do them...and every time I try, I get told that I am not doing it the right way.  So, after awhile of this, I give up and stop trying to help because it just isn't going to be help anyways.  The other day I expressed my feelings of "I feel so bad living here, I am such a mooch!"  to which my dad responded, "Well, if you feel bad, then help out around here!"  

Okay....catch 22. lol.....

I decide to request helping out by making dinner.  But I let them know (while my step sister is in the room to buffer the tension...) "But, I don't know, because I feel like every time I try to help with something, I get told that I am doing it wrong or I get instructed how to do it." Step sister says, "Mom, you do have a tendency to boss people around." Step mom says, "Well, thats because there is a better way of doing it."...lol....

So they say that they will let me have the kitchen and not tell me how to cook..."Accept I will show you what  pans to use..."  

And tonight, that task was completed!  I was grateful that I didn't get told what to do....and then my dad gives me some fish to cook, fish of which I have never even eaten before in my life..I look up some random recipe online...and it comes out kind of gross...lol...and then I feel awful for making this yucky dish and like I just proved that I need to be told how to do things.

The worst part is, though, I think I offended everyone, because usually there is chatter all through dinner and what not, some laughter, etc...but tonight, it has been DEAD SILENT.  The entire house is dead silent.  It's like you can cut the tension with a knife...

This is so weird...why am I blogging about this, I do not know.  Maybe someone out there needs to know that they aren't alone? lol....And maybe this is all in my head and people are just being quiet because they are thinking about something else.  Anyways...sigh....this is an adjustment!  

But it is really great being able to see my family and I almost feel like I have been a horrible, negligent sister and daughter and maybe the Lord is helping me to reconnect with my family and mend broken things that I didn't even realize were broken.