Being out of school and not having a job has given me quite a bit of time to reflect on things. A friend of mine was over here the other night, and he began discussing memories of his home town with a girl in our ward who had also come over. She is also from the same area in Idaho--a small, rural town with only 3000 people. I couldn't really add to the discussion because I didn't share in those memories, but as they were talking, my own mind got to reflecting on life in Oklahoma, where I grew up. When we moved from California to Oklahoma when I was nine, it seemed like the smallest, dingiest place to live. There was nothing to do, no palm trees, no big buildings, and it seemed that WalMart was the center of the town. On the other hand, it was in Oklahoma that my eyes opened for the first time. No longer was everyone around me competing for some kind of status--people were kind to one another and lived life simply--no frills, just the meat of what life is supposed to be. They had fun doing things like toilet papering each other's yards, or playing in the sprinklers, or climbing trees. I lived there for about nine years, until I moved to Utah to continue my education at BYU.
As I progressed through my education, theories and research became more complex and analytical, and soon my mind also melded to that environment. I loved every minute of it--my mind expanded in ways I never would have expected, and I could feel many strong inspirational moments as truth was revealed line upon line to my senses, and new understandings opened my spirit to more impressions. In the process, I gained a great deal of knowledge, or so I felt. Now that college is over, I have had a hard time adjusting to life in the real world--no longer am I living out of books--that is what I am having to tell myself. I have been trying to live out of books, trying to use the knowledge I gained to better understand the world around me, but instead of looking at the world around me first and digesting it, I have been trying to fit what I have learnead out of a book to what I am seeing in the world around me. As a result, I have been complicating things to the extreme. I haven't been very happy in that way--it is no wonder I love going home where my mind can reflect back to how life used to be--simple, where people are just who they are, not something to be analyzed all the time as if they are made up of tiny little pieces that need to be figured out.
I am grateful for my friends and that they had that discussion in my living room, even though I didn't really take part in it, I was definitley reflecting on what they were saying, and now I am realizing how puffed up my heart has become, how convoluted I try to make things when really they are what they are. I miss that, and realize that what really makes me happy in life is just living a simple life--I don't need to save the world, just be there for those around me, and do what I know is right. I realized that all I really want in life is to raise my little family, keep progressing--yes--but progressing not necessarily from books but from real life experiences. Yes, I want to keep learning and gaining my education, but I want to be a good wife and mom, I want to contribute to my ward and my community, to be a good neighboor and friend, to play on the trampoline and spray my husband with the sprinkler (and then give him a kiss on the cheek!), to hug my children tightly and rock them to sleep, to read bedtime stories and set up the tent in the backyard for little camping adventures, to make cookies and get flour all over the kitchen, to gossip and chat with the girls. :) I don't need endless business trips or a fancy house or a brand new car to make me happy, just the simple life. It is in the simple, humble things that we gain the most wisdom and knowledge and understanding.
Now, this doesn't mean I won't make things more complicated because that is what I tend to do naturally, over analyze and over think, but at least now I have recognized it in myself, and hopefully will be able to curb it a little better.
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