Well, the time has come to decide if I am moving back to California or staying in Provo. Here is my dilemma...I would be moving back home to save money on grad school. (It's way cheaper out there, and I may be able to work for my aunt in the very house I'd be living in during whatever hours I can.) However, in moving back home, that means 1. More time with the family (not complaining there) and 2. Less time socializing which means...I won't have much of a life. Given that I am 27 years old, I am both ready to start a new life (aka, a real one with my own real family) and tired, oh so tired, of being in Provo on my own. HOWEVER....I really, really, have come to love being in Provo. ??? What??? I know...I did NOT like it here for the longest time. But I have come to appreciate the friendliness, the social life, the sunshine in the Spring and Summer, and yes, even the snow in the Winter. I LOVE the mountains. I Love that I am 5 minutes from the temple, that I get to work at the temple, that I have my OWN apartment with my own space...
But I am not progressing. I feel like I am kind of stuck here. My grandparents are getting older and older, my cousins sicker and sicker, my sister just had a baby...and I am playing at the pool every day, leisurely hanging out with friends, getting fanned with banana leaves (ok not really...)...and what for? With all of this debate going on in my head, I did not sign a contract at my current place, because I didn't want to get stuck with a contract if I was going to move out. I got a text yesterday from my roommate, and they SOLD MY CONTRACT! And there are NO available spots left. I put my name back on the waiting list, but I keep thinking, do I really want to stay here another year? Well, over the last couple of months, my ward has improved a TON. I have felt the Lord wringing me out like a wet rag with this calling....probably something I need....so I'm learning a lot, finally...after feeling like I'm not progressing (of course maybe I'm really not progressing here, just realizing how dense and prideful I am...). And I really am tired of my own pride and want to let myself actually date someone....yep I admit it....but I mostly just don't trust my own ability to pick out a good man-catch...so I just don't....
SIGH....OH this is hard!! I just want to curl up in a ball and let the Lord push me where I need to go. Please?? Just this once!
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