A Contemplative Few Weeks.

So this is kinda long and Somewhat personal so you dont have to read it..haha.  But maybe someone out there can get something from it, if so then here it is!

So I prettymuch fail at blogging lately.  But I don't really know what to say, seeing as I have been very contemplative the last few weeks and not really feeling too connected with the world around me, ya know?  I suppose it all came from my trip home, and realizing just how much I've been missing. It's also made me think, yet again, about maybe what is going on in my own heart that is preventing me from feeling that same kind of love when I am away from home.   

I think we put these facade's up in a crowd of people--its like, let's try to be perfectly awesome in every way..and man is that DRAINING!  Though I've always tried to be a sincere person, but I've never been comfortable in big groups or when I feel pressure to be someone bigger and louder and more energetic or more "happy" than I really am.  I either totally clam up and dont say anything cause I am overwhelemed, or I try to take over and be the life of the party. I am much better on a one-to-one thing where I completely trust the person and can just open up and not worry about them not loving me if I say or do something wrong or boring or whatever.  So when I went home and remembered what its like to just be me, well, it was like a breath of fresh air.  It was so beautiful.  And it inspired me to be all the good things that I truly am inside. I know every time I go back just how wonderful it is to have a family, and a family that truly cares and shows it--and they know me for me, and they like it that way.  Maybe I just really appreciate them because of all the stuff we have been through...some doozy's, thats for sure! I just remember when I moved in with my cousins, that I felt distinctively sure that these are people I could trust completely and wholly.  And I think its cause I really felt the Lord there--it was wonderful and so warm and like something I had never felt before.  And that feeling eventually came a little bit more in my own family as they began slowly embracing the Gospel.  Still workin on it ;)  I hope I can be the kind of mom that invites that same feeling into my own home. 

I was so incredibly homesick when I got back, and I don't know if it showed, but its still kind of lingering. haha.  I've been noticing friends reach out to me more, maybe just a hello or a hug or a pat on the back or a genuine "I love being around you!", and I tell you what, it has made such a huge difference.  I really feel like the Lord has given me these friends, and I am very grateful for even the smallest thing. So thank you all of you!  I have a really hard time letting other people care sometimes, who knows why, but just know that you are very appreciated! :)